Love is not enough.

I was on a hike today and had this moment of clarity. 

I will walk and just let my mind go blank and see what comes up for me. 

Today it was love. All the people that I loved, you know I say loved but the love is still there, that's what this blog is about. You can love someone deeply and infinitely but that doesn't mean that they are meant to come along with you on your life's journey. That is a tough one to learn. 

Because despite emotions, fascinations, or the mesmerizing aspect of being wildly attracted or in love with someone does not in any way assure that you can live with each other day-to-day. That is the greatest challenge. When you care about someone, however your values and priorities have too much of a gap. When you are totally into someone, but the way they choose to spend their day is not in alignment with your talents or interests. For example, I spend a lot of my free time hiking. I have had men in my life who absolutely hated to hike so either they didn't go, or when they did go they bitched and complained about it so much it was a miserable experience. I have decided that should I find myself in another relationship one thing to clear off the bat is whether they are into hiking or outdoor activities. Because that is probably where we would share most of our free time. That is not to say I couldn't do other things as well. But why not hang out with someone who was going to be hiking on a Saturday morning anyway so that there doesn't have to be a constant tension? 

Living with someone is probably one of the most emotionally challenging things I've done. Compromising. Living up to someone else's expectations of what is acceptable. Having them live up to yours. The constant tension of the household and all that goes along with it. The constant tension of time and how it should be spent. Money management priorities. Tension if you are not in alignment on so many preferences and behaviors can add up over time no matter how attracted people are to one another. 

Settling versus choosing self. That is a tough one as well especially when you do catch deep feelings for someone. It is tempting to want to pretend. To want to fit into a mold. It's easy to find out who someone wants you to be and play the role to keep their attention to attempt to keep them around. Plenty of people are in these types of relationships. But it wears on people. From the relationships that I've seen usually one of two things happen generally speaking. Either one day someone finally loses their mind and does the F it I am out! And the relationship dissolves. Conversely, what I have seen is that two people stay in the relationship but live separate lives and often use substances to numb out the feeling that something is missing in the connection. It's easier to not think about your relationship failing if you are distracted or asleep. They know that's what is happening but they don't engage with the reality and decades pass by. It's kind of weird when people start waking up and look over across the bed disappointed that the other partner isn't dead so they don't have to feel the guilt of breaking up. But that's what a lot of people do after awhile. It's sad on both sides. Sad to know that's how your partner feels about you and sad to be the one that feels trapped in a zombie relationship. 

Also to any zombie relationship people out there. I think it's interesting that these people think it is some kind of secret. But EVERYBODY knows. You can tell when people feel affection for one another. Your kids are going to feel it as well. You can feel the tension between people who are tolerating each other on behalf of children and finances. People stay together to keep up appearances. I think that is even more painful than being alone. That being said everyone has to make decisions for themselves. As is said in many of my blogs, we don't get a no-pain option of life we just get to choose the kinds of pain we wish to feel. 

So all that to say. Love alone is not enough. But the love will always be there. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to try to keep something that isn't working going if it's causing tension all of the time. It's better to call it and open up the space for a romantic opportunity more in alignment with values, priorities and interests. Be happy and find someone who can be happy with you. 

Until next time...