I have had clinical depression all my life. However during a particularly challenging bought I was battling over the last few days I do what writers will tend to do. I researched it. And what I found is that I am far from alone in this deal.
What is it about writers and depression? Hemingway, Platte, Poe are a few of many who had it some lost the battle. Is creativity and madness a thin line? Is it the dark-side of creativity. The spiritual bargain made somewhere that the sensitivity given with being a keen observer, one able to capture the essence of humanity and capture it in some art form comes with it this dangerous poison of depression and anxiety? Is there a connection?
Either way I hardly know an artist that would give up the feeling of creating art. It is what I live for. That feeling of intense emotion that I place into my writing. It scares a lot of people off. Many claim either to me or in other ways they "can't handle it". I am deep and intense and too much to take by many. I used to feel bad about that though as I approach my fortieth birthday in a few months and I feel the shortness of life I don't feel the need to apologize for myself or hide who I am to accommodate the comfort of others in my presence. For people to be uncomfortable with me is a fair statement to make. That is why many artists and writers live alone. The muse of creativity is very jealous and wants no distractions from the artist's attention.
However, some of us choose to take on the challenge of balancing family and other aspects of life with art and depression. It's a huge task to undertake, but it is possible.
Some days depression wins and nothing gets done, yet many days I win. Every day I don't quit I win. And I notice today I have already surpassed what I didn't do in a week.
Being there for the next day is a victory that is so beautiful. Like those who survive a hurricane or tornado I would imagine, having that awesome appreciation of life the day after. Being able to play with my kids and to be there to love my family and try once more to see what I can do with my writing. I am glad I am here to try again and that which doesn't kill you makes awesome material to write about! :o)
Emotions are a writers "paint" the more rich the experiences the dark places of despair and heartbreak and the highs of love and bliss the more vibrant the colors to create with. That is our palette. It is not authentic unless it is experienced first hand it comes across as cheap and untrue. I think that's why those who are able to write and move people with words off the page. Are often ones who have experienced this broad palette of emotion and the vehicle with which that strong current of emotion moves often is depression. Like dealing with fire or electricity it can do amazing feats and make miracles happen...or it can kill you.
This blog is a field guide. A map of my journey from "just for fun" writer to a professional. I have been story telling since I could talk and writing came naturally to me as a small child. I loved the control I had over the page in a world that I had very little control over. My journal was my friend an a release as time went on.
As I grew up I learned the power of words, in a love letter, a letter to the editor, and in business. I grew addicted to that feeling when someone reads your work and a change is made, an impact is imprinted. I also love creating a literary or cyber escape world where devoid of fiscal challenges much beauty and peace can be created. That is why I do what I do. It is a calling.
Now I find myself almost 40 years old and like many in America in a harsh financial reality the worst of it is it doesn't reflect who I am as a person. I don't want to be behind on bills and other financial responsibilities. It is not who I am and I feel that. I feel that my expression of myself in the world isn't genuine right now. I think taking my words to the marketplace and making a living with them will allow me to be more of myself. If that makes any sense to anyone. It makes sense to me :o)
So I will continue to document my journey. It is a career journey and a next phase of life journey. I hope to find others who can relate and share with me on this journey. It's better to take a journey of this magnitude with friends.
Sophia Tesch is a graduate of the Hugh Downs School of Human Communication at Arizona State University. Sophia is a community advocate. She lives in San Tan Valley, Arizona with her husband and children.