The worst mistakes in my life happened when I was trying to prove something. 
Prove something to people who quite frankly aren't paying attention and don't care. 
The greatest tragedy is all that I lost in the act of proving myself. 

In stock trading the market will teach you quickly that if you think you know something, you don't. Furthermore, if you are trading to prove yourself instead of trading the chart and present market conditions you will be swiftly and thoroughly corrected. Taking one more swipe at an already extended move is never a great idea but it's one that I have done more often than I care to admit. 

Staying in relationships, trades, jobs, too long. Thinking that the past is the future and it never is. This has lead to my detriment more than any other behavior or trait. I wish to spare others if I can. Timing is everything. Whether it be divine or otherwise there is a time when things line up perfectly and work, it is so tempting to want to stretch those moments out forever but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. 

Feeling the need to prove something, to soothe the ego, to say that it is so when it quite obviously is not. Is a point of ego and pride that can cost a person dearly. Prove that I am important and worthy of something other than neglect and abandonment. Sounds deep but on some level that is what it is right? To be a 'chosen one', a 'winner', so many are willing to give up so much. Their morals, their soul, for access that comes from money and power to prove their worth to some unseen "They". And so we are placed in these life experiences and a society with narrative and messaging pounded into heads for hours, days, years, decades. Until even the most stoic soul feels the need to measure up to it. This belief comes with us into a trade, into a relationship or the work environment. Leading to underlying fears that many people may not even be conscious of, however, it's there making the decision with us. 

So in the moment, are you trying to prove something, or are you acting as a clear channel of the events as they unfold before you?

Are you looking at the truth or your preferred possibility? What were the differences between fact and fantasy?

What are the signs telling you, really?

It is a good practice to take inventory not just about who you want to be, but who you actually are in any given moment of decision. The more accurately we are able to be present to meet the moment of decision at that time the more successfully we we manage that moment. It can mean everything. 

Until next time... 

What are you allowing to grow in the garden of your soul? 

What do you water with your time? 

What do you fertilize with your attention? 

What is growing around you? 

This is a great meditation to do. Visualize your soul as a garden. How is it doing? 
Is it lush and lovely or are there more weeds than desirable growth? 

When we allow weeds like energy drainers, morally corrupt individuals, and other such dead energy or energy stealers into our garden it diverts resources from your desirable outcomes. 

When your garden is full of weeds you can't grow the good stuff.

So here is some journal work. 

Draw a garden. Get out those art supplies. Draw your beautiful garden as you saw it in your meditation. Then draw a picture of what you would like your garden to be.

Then catalog out what each item in your garden symbolizes to you. What is that weed over there? How can you root it out so it isn't diverting your resources? What is that pretty flower over there or what do the tomatoes mean to you? Whichever type of garden you created. 

Now do a physical exercise that resonates with you. To get rid of the weeds and plant more of what you'd like in your soul garden. Maybe picture the work you are doing in your garden while you use your body to pull the weeds and plant your seeds for the future. 

Now schedule the work. The Atom app can help you if you want. But really it's all about what you want to do. If you don't do it then ask yourself if this is what you really want because when we really want it, we do it. So schedule the time and attention for your desired outcomes your pretty peonies and yummy snap peas. This may be developing your work, and create a strong bond with your favorite snuggle buddy, for example.  Take away the time for the weeds. Don't allow your attention to be consumed by it. The drainers that have nothing to do with your aspirations, the toxic people in your life. Root out the interactions with them as soon as you can. 

Once your mindset is cleared of weeds and energy goes into your projects and desires better results will grow in the garden of your soul.

Until next time....  

If you'd like to support my work I'd love if you buy me a coffee coff.ee/sophiawrites thanks so much and see you next time! 
​

During my time observing politics, day trading chatrooms, romantic relationships, and corporate culture there is an unfortunate trend that I have seen time and time again.  I call it handing over the leash. 

Handing over the leash happens when people will give over power and control of their life and critical life decisions. This is often done because of a mix of mental laziness, self-doubt, and fear of making a wrong choice, therefore not wanting to take on accountability, or weight of guilt and shame that comes from making a wrong decision. If we give the decision over to another person we think is smarter or mor talented and it does not work out we can say, "I was following them. It's their fault, not mine". This pushes off criticism and accountability to someone else. Side note, how funny when things work out the same person will take credit for it and minimize the guidance they took to get to that decision. Humans are funny that way. The good ideas are mine, the bad ideas are someone else's. 

So handing over the leash. Think about it, a good exercise to do in your journal is to take inventory of people who you feel have control over your life. Look at the way that you have handed over the decision making to them. What is the fear guiding that position? What can you do to mitigate that fear?

Who decides what you do today? Your boss, your spouse, your parents? Is it you? Is it really you?  

You will say, "I have no choice". Many feel they have no choice however I invite you to sit with that for a moment. Do you have no choice or are you terrified to take responsibility and accountability? Could you take on the emotional weight if you were the reason the family couldn't make rent this month? Or what if you were the reason the team didn't win the big game? Take an example that applies for you. What do high-stakes consequences look like to you?

What is keeping you from being the best person to make that decision? 

Do you need: 

• More information?
  
• More time?
  
• More training?
  
• More experience? 
• More boundaries? 

Let's dig in to these. 

More information. Do you feel like you are not the one to be in charge because you don't know enough about it? So many deflect important political or financial decisions because they think someone else knows more about it than them. There is so much to know and they feel overwhelmed.

However, when you think about those who have the information they obtained it by studying, acquiring training, and through experience. It is by going through the process of doing "the thing" that we obtain the information to make better decisions later. Because here is the thing, of course you can read, take a course, have mentors. That is a good thing to do because you can dodge avoidable mistakes. At the same time you have to learn what works for you. One of the toughest lessons for me was learning that what works for them didn't work for me. Learning what works for you requires risk. It requires failure to learn cause and effect. I requires learning what works and celebrating the little wins. Tracking data is part of that process many times. Trusting your inner knowing and intuition also plays a major part in good decision making.
You may find that you have more information than you think from your lived experiences.

More time. There are a lot of people that quit or feel like they were a failure because an outcome didn't happen in the timeframe they had expected. Many big goals can take several years longer than originally expected to accomplish. That's not failure. That can be a difficult lesson to learn. For example, when learning day trading. There were so many layers of information, so many variables to take in at one time. There were so many 'psychological muscles' to develop in order to facilitate a successful trade. That takes many years to be able to take in all of that information in spilt seconds in order to do what needs to be done for a successful trading experience. It may take one person more time to develop that skill set than another. It's not failure if it takes you 5 years instead of 3. Or if it takes 10. Everyone is on a different timeline. Honor every journey. 

More training. Perhaps specific training is needed. Whether it is to learn lingo, processes, how to use specific platforms or tools. It is a benefit to speak to people who have been there before and have made the mistakes and know what to do. Experience is invaluable. However, when learning from others understand that situations change over time. It is important to keep information up to date. Can you image the world 5, 10, 30 years ago? Lately just a few moths can feel like a completely different world when it comes to culture, expectations, priorities of life. So with training maintain information and make sure your training is up to date for your area of interest and the expertise you wish to develop is essential to success. 

More experience. This is self explanatory you need more experience. With more experience comes confidence. Confidence leads to less fear in the decision making process. Less doubt. Begin to expect success instead of loss. It is tied into what we have already discussed with information and training. Let's move on. 

More boundaries. I typed 'More boundaries' for continuity. Stronger boundaries is more like it. It's about control. Coming full circle to the beginning of the conversation. When we give financial power away by depending on someone else to pay the bills. When we give emotional power away by depending on others for emotional regulation or validation to feel ok about ourselves. When we set our sense of happiness outside of ourselves and outside of our control. These are examples of ways we pass the leash to someone else. Working every day to claw back that control in small and significant ways all adds up. Why do we do this? 

The most compelling reasons that I have found to do this important work is that when we give the decision making over to someone else, we hand over results to someone else, and more times than not the results are disappointing. Of course there may be some short term satisfaction to say to someone else "you messed this up". Rather than feeling the weight of it being our fault, right? However, when you move with intention. When you guide the process then it is yours. There is power in that. I would be curious to hear, because I think that you will find that when you do take your own leash and intentionally guide yourself through the process of life you will find the results to be more successful and gratifying. 

There is a saying that goes, "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Which is the release of responsibility for outcomes in another individual's life. This presumes that resolution of the issue is not in the outsider's control. Therefore, release any thought or concern and go about your day fulfilling your obligations and outcomes. This is the way of thinking many with material success utilize. Focus on making money that's all that matters anyway, right? 

Conversely, on the other side of this plight are the sufferers. Those who are going through it. Those who resent others who do not engage with their pain and suffering and don't help out. There seems to be this competition about who suffers the most and whose suffering should mean more. We as society seem to have created tiers of suffering based on race, class, and political affiliation as well as other things. No actual rules have been written out anywhere but we all seem to have an innate sense of what they are. People want you to care about their pain and relieve it, even if it has nothing directly to do with you. We are affiliated with groups. Sometimes voluntarily and sometimes accidently by circumstances outside of our choosing or control. A labelling of people in broad strokes and terms occurs. Sometimes a person will fit the stereotype of that group. However, people are complex and don't always fit in neat labels.

Do people have the right to be judged for their individual character and abilities? 

All of that to say. What mental, emotional, material load of someone else's struggle are we morally obligated to take on ourselves? If it is 'not my circus, not my moneys' it may seem easy to walk away from it all and go about one's day. The only real problem with that is that it allows the imbalance to continue. At some point the wolf comes to everyone's door and the thing about not doing anything about it when it was someone else's problem, is that when it becomes your problem there isn't anyone willing or able to help you out. So it indeed becomes your circus and monkeys then. 

All people live on a spectrum about how much empathy they have for one another. Biases play a part in decisions of engagement. Being out of sight, out of mind, plays a part. It can be extremely overwhelming to engage in the all the atrocities happening. The genocides, the abuses, natural disasters, the extraction and destruction of the natural world. We curse the billionaire and corporations while simultaneously pumping dollars to them and participating with all labor and resources they need. That's how they got so powerful, individuals didn't do it by themselves. Even evil political leaders didn't do the actions by themselves. Far be it for them to get their hands dirty doing the actual labor. So everyone is a participant on some level in creating the horrors of the day. Where is the line? Of course there are consequences and pain associated with any decision. We don't get to choose whether or not to feel pain only the pain we feel. Yet, what pain can we experience and cause and still be able to look at the person in the mirror and still feel good about it?

So what do you choose? Do you choose the pain of engagement and the reality of what is breaking down in the world in order to fully address the issues with the urgency they deserve. To prioritize the solution over cost or pain associated with it? Or do you choose to pretend life is exactly as it was years ago and keep chugging seeing how long you can push off any consequences impacting your life directly? 

I really don't know the answer. As an empath it is extremely difficult for me to turn away from the pain of others. That being said I have none of the power, resources, or capabilities at this time to make any significant material change in anyone situation. What everyone wants is money. If you don't have tons of money to give them to buy resources and influence what good are you to them?

So this is a thought I am struggling with lately. What are your thoughts on the matter? What are you taking into consideration as you decide for yourself what your circus and monkeys are in the world?   

It's Memorial Day in the United States today. 

My heart and mind is with those who died in the line of duty serving the United States in the military. On days like this they say "don't make it political". They say this because they are only thinking about the bodies. The politicians and brands want to pull the troops out and use their bodies as props. Associating your brand to a wall of uniforms pumps up that masculine energy and that strong prideful fantasy, the gladiator thirst for blood that has been passed down through the centuries. Using bodies as props, bodies as entertainment, bodies as chess pieces on a board, the NPC of the game. 

But they aren't NPCs. They are humans with families and people who love them. People who miss them and wanted them to come home and play the role that they did in their community's lives. People from which the brands and politicians ceaselessly extract blood while detesting their very existence. They demand the wall of uniforms on holidays, but what about the children left behind when their parent is sacrificed? How quickly they will pull away their school lunch, their food subsidies and healthcare. That is an act of violence. Cruel and unusual to starve a child and fund a military parade. The heartless political manipulation of people's bodies. It's a horrific atrocity that we have become to familiar with, way too comfortable. 

Each person being honored today was loved by somebody. Someone misses them and wishes they were home. They would want their buddies who remain behind to have the resources and care they need and earned doing the work of running towards danger while others were running away and bringing the fallen back home to be laid to rest, honored and remembered. These are not commodities they are human beings. Let's remember that today as many enjoy the pools, beaches, and barbeques, the extra day off. Remember the sacrifice for the freedoms that some of us so easily give away. 

I was on a hike today and had this moment of clarity. 

I will walk and just let my mind go blank and see what comes up for me. 

Today it was love. All the people that I loved, you know I say loved but the love is still there, that's what this blog is about. You can love someone deeply and infinitely but that doesn't mean that they are meant to come along with you on your life's journey. That is a tough one to learn. 

Because despite emotions, fascinations, or the mesmerizing aspect of being wildly attracted or in love with someone does not in any way assure that you can live with each other day-to-day. That is the greatest challenge. When you care about someone, however your values and priorities have too much of a gap. When you are totally into someone, but the way they choose to spend their day is not in alignment with your talents or interests. For example, I spend a lot of my free time hiking. I have had men in my life who absolutely hated to hike so either they didn't go, or when they did go they bitched and complained about it so much it was a miserable experience. I have decided that should I find myself in another relationship one thing to clear off the bat is whether they are into hiking or outdoor activities. Because that is probably where we would share most of our free time. That is not to say I couldn't do other things as well. But why not hang out with someone who was going to be hiking on a Saturday morning anyway so that there doesn't have to be a constant tension? 

Living with someone is probably one of the most emotionally challenging things I've done. Compromising. Living up to someone else's expectations of what is acceptable. Having them live up to yours. The constant tension of the household and all that goes along with it. The constant tension of time and how it should be spent. Money management priorities. Tension if you are not in alignment on so many preferences and behaviors can add up over time no matter how attracted people are to one another. 

Settling versus choosing self. That is a tough one as well especially when you do catch deep feelings for someone. It is tempting to want to pretend. To want to fit into a mold. It's easy to find out who someone wants you to be and play the role to keep their attention to attempt to keep them around. Plenty of people are in these types of relationships. But it wears on people. From the relationships that I've seen usually one of two things happen generally speaking. Either one day someone finally loses their mind and does the F it I am out! And the relationship dissolves. Conversely, what I have seen is that two people stay in the relationship but live separate lives and often use substances to numb out the feeling that something is missing in the connection. It's easier to not think about your relationship failing if you are distracted or asleep. They know that's what is happening but they don't engage with the reality and decades pass by. It's kind of weird when people start waking up and look over across the bed disappointed that the other partner isn't dead so they don't have to feel the guilt of breaking up. But that's what a lot of people do after awhile. It's sad on both sides. Sad to know that's how your partner feels about you and sad to be the one that feels trapped in a zombie relationship. 

Also to any zombie relationship people out there. I think it's interesting that these people think it is some kind of secret. But EVERYBODY knows. You can tell when people feel affection for one another. Your kids are going to feel it as well. You can feel the tension between people who are tolerating each other on behalf of children and finances. People stay together to keep up appearances. I think that is even more painful than being alone. That being said everyone has to make decisions for themselves. As is said in many of my blogs, we don't get a no-pain option of life we just get to choose the kinds of pain we wish to feel. 

So all that to say. Love alone is not enough. But the love will always be there. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to try to keep something that isn't working going if it's causing tension all of the time. It's better to call it and open up the space for a romantic opportunity more in alignment with values, priorities and interests. Be happy and find someone who can be happy with you. 

Until next time... 

Something I don't think gets thought about enough is the importance of being alone in order to recalibrate to your personal vibration. We each have our own electromagnetic vibration. Something that is uniquely ours. Not sure what I am talking about? Go find someone you know and before you stand next to them take an inventory about how you feel in your body. Now go stand next to them, close your eyes, and feel for a moment, take another inventory of how you feel do you feel it? There is a joke that kids used to play when in the backseat on a long road trips when parents said to keep our hands to ourselves and we would get very close to touching but not. It's annoying. But it kind of makes the point. 

So much of our lives we are in public spaces or sharing space with others that in order to harmonize with the group we tend to lose our special vibration. So many other vibrations and frequencies constantly bombarding us and over time it can feel stressful, feels exhausting to constantly be in the mode of making corrections to make those around us comfortable. Perhaps as a more sensitive and introverted person it has more of an impact on me. However, I think that even those who are known for having absolutely no ability to read the room. Even they feel the tension of co-presence that is a word I just made up but I think it fits the situation. Like a tuning fork with many other tuning forks' tones bouncing off of it. Sometimes the tuning fork just needs room by itself to ring at its own tone. To recalibrate an be at peace, and one with itself. 

I think this is way more important than society would think. Because society rarely speaks of it. It is also a side effect of living a low income lifestyle. Have you ever noticed how luxury equates to space, to privacy, to acres of buffer between people? Privacy, space, surrounded in nature. Lots of quiet places to think and vibrate at your own frequency. Not in constant assess and defend mode perpetually considering other energies. Whereas what happens when the budget for living is tight? People packed into public places, loud and constant noise, a high number of frequencies bouncing off of each other, stress pheromones prevalent in the air,  these are not conditions to think, to connect to self,  to plan, or do anything mindful really. Of course, over time there will be people who will adapt and become resilient. The way people adapt to cold or heat. But should they have to? Is it healthy? Is it a humane existence to constantly be in environments that never allow a person to get out of constant external surveillance mode? Needing to be in constant surveillance in order to harmonize with the group to get along? It causes a great deal of stress.

How much time do you schedule for alone time to vibe at your own vibration? 
I would say even if you can get away for 20 minutes a day there would be a vast improvement to decompress, to do breath work, to connect with Spirit and get your bearings. This would create a vast improvement. Larger swaths of time are of course more beneficial but it all depends on times of life and what is available. Take time to breath deep, ground your energy, connect to Spirit for the downloads of the day. What can you learn, what service is to be shared with others, taking a brief diagnostic to check in with yourself and see what the priorities of the day are for you. If 20 minutes aren't available try 5 even if it is in the bathroom there have been many times in my life when that was the only moment of privacy I was afforded to reset and get going once again. Recalibrating to self allows one to live from the inside out with intention instead of living in external reaction mode all the time which can become overwhelming and debilitating over time. 

So take some time alone. Vibe at your own vibration and feel free to come back and let me know how it worked for you in the comment section. 

Until next time... 

This is from a post from my Threads account. If you'd like to, feel free to follow me on Threads or any of the other socials that you prefer. 

We lost a hiker this week. She was found 600 feet from the trail. She liked to record videos etc. Many do here in Arizona up the street from my place. It’s the time of year that claims hikers. 🕯️

When you are hiking in Arizona:

1. Go early in the morning when it’s cool.

2. Stay on the trails.

3. Tell people what trail you are on keep location on on your phone for someone to be able to find you keep phone fully charged.

4. Bring more water than you think you need.

5. Summer is not the time to go for your personal best. Stay within your known limits the heat is very tricky and can lull you into a false sense of security until suddenly you’ve lost control of your bodily functions.

Most of all. We love the selfies but watch where you are stepping in the desert. I have some scars from learning that lesson to remind me. The desert is beautiful and it will absolutely take you out if you don’t respect the position that you are in. Enjoy hiking! Be smart. Live to hike another day 🌞🕶️🌵

​Until next time... 

In 2021, due to a strange situation I found myself pulled into this vortex that included interacting with a group of day traders. During that time I was fascinated and almost by accident learned some day trading techniques. I was no where near as obsessed as I would need to be to be a professional. Every now and then however, I'll open the platform and make some "coffee money". I enjoy it. And I enjoy hanging out and listening to day traders. They are very interesting in many ways. I had a lot of laughs and good times with them. 

I was reflecting upon my time there today. The most heart wrenching and meaningful lesson I learned wasn't necessarily about entry, target, exit and stop loss areas. Support, resistance, the patterns with proven edge. All of those things are useful to know as well as many other tricks of the trade. However, what really hit me hard and still does, and always will is that you can pick an amazing pattern, you can do everything right, and there will be times when your trade will stop out and not work anyway. I think that is the most difficult lesson both in trading and the expanded experience of life. When you did absolutely nothing wrong but because we share this world with billions of other people. We share the market with millions of other people. They are all making decisions for their own reasons and priorities. There are just too many variables to take in at one time and therefore we just can't predict or factor them all in. We can only do our best in that particular moment. Be able to properly process, grieve what we wish would have been, and let go. Set up for the next opportunity. Some are harder to walk away from than others. But walking away and setting up for the next opportunity is part of the game. May the next trade or opportunity be so wonderful that the hurt of loss is soothed and the joy overcomes the pain. 

The important thing is not to get too far up into your head about it. For me, I find my brain is constantly looking to fill in the gap of unknown information. What could I have done better, what did I miss? And that is good to do. But it is not good to overdo. Because many times whether it is market forces, society, or unknown desires of those who you interact with that are kept from you on purpose. These realities exist. And so we do the best we can and we move on. 

Over an entire lifetime (of course there are always outliers but for the most part) things will work themselves out. Cycles will come and cycles will go. Enjoy the good ones, and learn from the challenging ones. 

Until next time...  

On the healing journey there comes a time when it's time to ask. Do you find your personal value is based in your endurance of pain? 

Because it would be so messed up to come to the conclusion that you didn't get ANYTHING for going through everything that you've been through, right? Like a heavy cinder block, the memory tied to it's victim pulling them down. The return again and again to feel what happened once more. To dissect, to analyze, run different scenarios of what should have happened. Perhaps to have someone care and tell you that you didn't deserve it, to validate that it wasn't supposed to happen, that you didn't deserve it, or to say that there is nothing that you could have done differently. To hear these words to set you free. The amount of time of that original event may have been minutes, hours, days. Yet the visitations have taken up years, decades, sometimes an entire lifetime. Because there was never a release a detachment from the pain. 

In my personal journey, I came to the conclusion that there was a part of me that wanted credit for having gone through it. That is what made me special my ability to endure the pain and since I wasn't winning at the game of life I began to change the game. She who endures the most pain wins! So more pain came into my life and I endured that too. Score! But of course it wasn't a score. It tore me down and tore me up. It destroyed my nervous system until one day I couldn't get up. I couldn't bounce back. I was in complete burn out. There is no value in enduring pain. Staying in a dead situation. Showing up to the blender of someone's emotional or physical abuse. To endure neglect or rejection of love over and over again.

There are no martyr points. 

It is up to us to create a life we enjoy living. That we create a home that is full of joy, laughter, and a regulated nervous system. Find like minded individuals to surround yourself with and experience supportive connections and exchanges. The same with our mind. If your mind is a battlefield then nothing new can grow. It may be difficult to release the past. Like a version of survivors' guilt to let go of it especially when certain events shaped us. But I invite you to jump into a new timeline of life and the past can't come with you for the same reason why you wouldn't bring in last year's garbage into a brand new home. Don't take what is dead and rotting from the past and bring it into your new space. That doesn't make sense. Neither does it make sense to hold on to that which should not come with you. Take the lessons, the good times, that made you who you are and move into the totally new. It will be ok. There is a good chance that things will get better. 

As a journal prompt really get into those "cinder block" moments that hold you in your pain.

Write down what comes up for you.

What is serving you by being there?

Are you visiting someone you loved and lost?

Is it to feel the pain again to beg someone to care about it?

To feel the injustice and the self-righteousness that springs from it?

Or something else?

There is no judgement we all go through these feelings. Then as you reread these thoughts one must make a decision and I can't make it for you, you must make it for yourself. Whether a new healthier experience means more to you than the value placed on enduring the feelings of the cinder block moments? The visits, the decisions made long ago. If you find that yes you are ready then let go. It may take some time for the release to take full effect. Some people notice a difference right away some a year or two later, and everything in between. It is an individual journey. It all depends on how deeply embedded the memory's effects are and the commitment to release. But you'll get there. Give yourself patience and grace. But also have the discipline to continue looking forward. Never look back again. Life is for the living, so get out there and live it well. 

Until next time.  

I was thinking today that I am so lucky. 

I am lucky in these moments that are hard to share with other people. 

These are what I like to call Disney Princess moments. 

For example, yesterday when I rolled over in the morning to see a humming bird peeping at me through my window. That felt special. This morning I took a hike and there were all these desert critters, birds, bunnies, little prairie dogs.  All flittering and scurrying around me. Pretty songs of the song birds. I wished them a good morning and put up a little prayer about how happy I was in that moment. It's those moments. Free of cost, just in the presence of nature feeling special and beautiful and connected to nature all around me. Those are the moments that bring me joy and comfort no matter how strange and dangerous the world can feel on a macro level. 

I am not interested in corporate life.
 
Corporate life is so separated from this feeling. The polar opposite from what makes me happy in fact. 

There are many things that I can do without, that I sacrifice so that I can be out in nature more often feeling real freedom. I hate playing the game. It's not worth it. 

Not to me. 

Anyway, I am so grateful for the Disney Princess moments. 

How blessed am I to experience them? Very. 

These moments just for me. Every time I try to take a picture or share it with others it dissolves

I can never seem to capture it on camera.  It's just for me. How cool is that? :) 

Humans make life way more complicated than it needs to be. 

Until next time. 

Hello all. 

Today I want to talk about working with resistance. 

Because frankly the inspiration hasn't been coming lately. 

And so there is this question, do I not put out anything at all? 

How long can that go on? The algo demands content, right? 

So today I talk about the resistance. 

This feels like an ongoing tension that I constantly exist in. The demand of production versus the not doing. A mentor of mine recently took some time off, an earlier retirement. Getting used to not having to answer the bell every morning is an adjustment. Some urge to be productive pulls on him still. I very much related to that sentiment. 

I have the time, but not the ability, to let go of the time clock if not the notion that my value comes from my production. The fear that if I am not seen as the proper kind of productive I will be rejected in some way. It's all about production. Is it though? 

And so here I am typing this out. Producing. Not sure how valuable it is. But I am doing it. Showing up, for whatever that is worth. Working through this fog of resistance. Acknowledging that sometimes the words are not there. The words at times will not be there for an amount of time that is both uncomfortable and even scary. I could always count on the words being there before, and lately the just aren't. Taking time to give myself permission to take care of me first. First, before the words, before the production, before the ravenous greed of the algo.
​Because if I don't, who will? 

I apologize for the lack of cohesion in my past few posts.

Posting through the resistance.

I think it will get better.

But it is not better right now. 

Until next time.  

It is interesting but not surprising to see the reactions of people when they are being tested by Spirit.

This is a test of the galactic energy system, this is only a test. 

When times get tough we see who runs, who stands, and who cuts self-serving deals. 
If history students from the future were to ask me about this time in America. I would say that my biggest shock and surprise was how many people took a step back, capitulated, and took deals instead of just ending a stupid mistake of voting a 34 time convicted felon to be president. Trump has always seen himself as dictator and mob boss. He was a straight up snake out front. He never asked for redemption. It was the way people just accepted the propaganda. How tied they all were into labels and titles like President, Attorney General, and all the rest that they didn't accept the obvious lies as lies. The mental gymnastics they partook in to make the madness fit somehow in their minds is a breathtaking spectacle to watch unfold before us in terrifying speed. 

I don't understand how so many didn't see what was happening. How so many saw it all as business as usual. No big deal we will just play the game of political volleyball we've been playing since the Regan years. Bouncing power back and forth without much of a change no matter who had the ball on their side of the net. It's just wild to me all of it. How many hid away instead of executing the procedures of the emergency levers that were available to them in the Constitution. I call them the crickets. Because when we demanded they do their jobs all we heard were the chirps of crickets. Those who were in charge of stewardship, the guardians nowhere to be found. Not sure what they were thinking? That they would be spared if they cooperated but they were thrown out into the streets too anyway. So what good did that get them? 

As time went on we got to the place where we are now. Where the people who could have done the job have been dismissed were forced out. So they don't have access to the tools that would have made a reset a whole lot easier. But instead of crying over spilled milk what I would like to say to all of this is -- of course. 

To be hired onto these positions one had to be a conformists. Sycophants were installed in positions of power in charge of making the critical decisions. And sure, everyone has their struggles in life, I am not saying that the veterans in these positions didn't know struggle, of course they did. But their struggle was in the confines of a system that for the most part took care of them. They were symbiotic to its cause. They were ok with the daily atrocities for the most part. It offered a nice union protected salary and benefits package. These aren't the people who will run to put out a fire. They did their time. They just wanted steady unbothered work until guaranteed retirement. They stared frozen as the flames of authoritarianism came to their door.

If they weren't forced to move by the layoffs and pressures to resign, they might not have done anything at all. It is their job to serve I suppose they would say. But there are fundamental problems with this system if no one saw this coming. There were signs for decades. When it was brought to the attention of those who could have done something to protect against it, they were benefitting too greatly from the system to have any concern about it. Where was their attention all of this time to have this inevitable disaster creep up on them? Or did they think they would be included in the spoils of it all? I think many just thought this is America there is no way this could happen here. It is unprecedented we have strong institutions. Well it happened here. The institutions let us down so far. Unless there is some amazing miracle that happens before July we are as the children say cooked.

This we'll cross that bridge when we come to it mentality from the "leadership" of our institutions was dismissive and insulting. Well now the bridge is on fire. They scatter in self- preservation. Making it obvious that we the American People are left to handle this on our own. Without all the fancy institutions that we pay our tax dollars to so that we wouldn't be left to deal with things like this on our own. These government workers that benefitted from tax payer dollars who were now released to experience the suffering pains of poverty and lack that they were perfectly fine allowing others to live under indefinitely. Because they weren't supposed to be partisan. I get that, but what was creeping up in America wasn't normal, nor was it American it was a set up for a coup. Now they feel the lack of protection of the system that they stood behind for all of these years. It will be interesting to see what comes of this moment. What this talent does with this crushing experience now that it happened to them personally. It is very likely that after the dust settles and the mess gets cleaned up whenever that occurs we can come out stronger and better as a nation. The uncertainty is there though. We don't know when that might happen given the current trajectory of events. 

All this being said I have Faith that something better is being birthed from all of this mess. This is forcing America to decide who we are, what our common values are, and what we stand for. In the end there will be cases that can be referred to in the future. If you haven't donated to the ACLU but love democracy please consider a  donation they have been saving our butts when the institutions abandoned us. Their incredible efforts give us the greatest sense of hope during these troubling times. 

​

Betrayal. 

If there was a vibe, a overarching feeling of the moment I would have to say betrayal is it. 

If someone was to ask what the biggest mistake a person could make in life I would say believing that all people are like you. That they think like you. That they would do what you did in the same circumstance. That they care about the same things you do or want the same things you do. That is a big mistake. 

When your gut sinks looking around you to see that foundations that you believed were strong and stable give way to leave you falling through space and time through the fog of the unknown. I thought you were going to be there for me, that was the contract, that was the agreement that I invested in. But when when time came to pay the check and do the hard thing it is amazing how many people disappear. The devastating realizations come in that they were using you all along with no intention of following through with what you thought were promises. 

This can happen in personal relationships, with employers, or governments. Feeling naive. Wondering what clues were missed. This can be traumatic. How does one continue to get up after being punched down by betrayal so many times? 

It is like so many things in life there comes a time to ask "What other choice is there?". Questions like why or why not rarely add value to the conversation. When the pain and loss is the same. When the grief is there anyway does it really matter why? I suppose we feel some relief if someone hurt us unintentionally instead of on purpose. To me that is no consolation because being so oblivious as to not take care with another human feels like more of a crime than knowingly doing a hurtful act for a motive even if that motive is nothing more than  just wanting to. That is easier to comprehend and wrap some understanding around. At least in my experience. 

I have felt a great deal of betrayal in my life. Recently with the exposure of the underbelly of America over the past few months I have felt it more acutely. Those who say never to depend on anything or anyone but yourself because you are the only one that you can be sure of. I didn't believe them but now I do. Self-reliance above all else because only you can care about you all of the time. 

This world is difficult to shield yourself from every moment of every day. It does feel better to live in community. Many hands make light work. There are always risks and trade-offs in life. We have to take chances. When given the cherished opportunity to live in a healthy state of community one should definitely take it. It just feels like those opportunities have become ever more rare in the modern world. 

Trust is earned a little at a time. Looking at the actions of an individual over time is the only way to truly know whether to trust them or not. We build the data set over time. 

I am healing from the betrayal. Learning to trust myself and the world again.

Because what choice do we have? 

​Hello. 

It's been awhile since I posted anything. It isn't that I haven't been writing. It's that nothing has come out worth saying. 

That's not to say that there hasn't been anything going on in the world many things are happening. Personally, I have challenges and joys like anyone else. I came to my desk, sat down, and typed. But it's nothing that you want to hear about. 

You have your own challenges and joys. Your own hopes and dreams. How are you? Do you feel like you are staring at great potential or the deep dark abyss? For me it seems to ocellate back and forth. 

I will post this blog to prove a few things. You can post a less than brilliant blog and survive it. Sometimes you have to get something out there just to break down the subconscious blocks in one's mind. 

Hopefully over the next few days I can get out some more meaningful thoughts about all the things that I have been thinking and feeling with the ending of a cycle of life ending and a new one beginning. I didn't think I would be restarting just a few years from the last time I was here standing in square one. But here we are. 

Anyway, I will get back to it tomorrow with something. I don't know this just seems to be the vibe lately. With the world collapsing around us why not take time for yourself. Not worrying about everyone else for a minute. Because, one thing the world is showing us is rescue isn't coming. It's up to each one of us to find our strength, to give ourselves love, care, validation. To take a moment to take solid inventory of our values and priorities. Because they will be tested. Are you ready? 
I am. 
Ready as I am going to be anyway. 
​

I woke up on Sunday, November 19th, feeling terrible. My temperature was 100.5 – there was definitely something wrong with me. I had received my flu and Covid boosters about two months earlier. I thought maybe I had contracted a strain of the flu that the shot didn’t cover.
I guessed that, as usual, I would be fine in a couple of days. I had been really pushing myself over the last few years to get as healthy as possible. I had a little belly fat, but my legs looked like a speed skater’s after all the mountain hiking near my home four times a week or more.
I was 57 and a telecommunications engineer. We had recently moved to Southern CA after my daughter got accepted to a college here, and COVID made my job permanently online. I had spent the previous 25 years living in the Dallas suburbs. I had been hiking there for years, but the weather in Southern CA allows me to hike year-round now.

As the day wore on, I already started feeling better. The fever went away. But as night approached, I started feeling low again, mostly because the fever returned. I wrote a quick email to my boss saying I most likely will be out sick Monday.
I went to bed a little early that night due to feeling very tired. I woke up at 2 AM with a terrible headache and was stunned to find that I and the bed were absolutely drenched in sweat. There was so much that it felt like someone had poured a bucket of warm water over me as I slept. Temperature 101.3 - I am sick, no doubt about it. Took some fever reducer, changed my sheets, and tossed and turned the rest of the night.
By the time the sun came up, I was feeling much better. My fever was gone again, but I still had a headache and felt very tired. I decided it was best to go ahead and take the day off and try to sleep.

The next night was a carbon copy of the previous night. But this time after waking up drenched, I was too ill to sleep even a wink. I could not find a comfortable position, no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was wait for morning.
Tuesday morning, the fever broke, and I’m feeling much better yet again. This is starting to get weird. Why are the nights so terrible? As the day wore on, it felt like I wasn’t getting enough air to breathe. I ordered a pulse oximeter for next-day delivery.
Tuesday night, another repeat. I did get a little sleep, but it was starting to get even harder to breathe. I felt weaker by the hour.

Wednesday morning, the fever was gone again. I felt fine, just very tired. The pulse oximeter came in that afternoon. It read 93%, nothing to worry about according to Google. As long as I stay above 92%, I am OK.
​
Wednesday night, another repeat of the previous nights with one major difference: the coughing finally starts. Ok, this is not the flu. The pulse oximeter (from now on I will refer to this as O2) reading drops to an average of 88%. I must have some type of respiratory infection. 
Thursday morning (Thanksgiving), I feel fine yet again. I cook a small Thanksgiving meal for my wife and daughter at around 1 PM. Because it’s a holiday, I know my doctor’s office is closed. I called some local clinics, but they say they would not be able to do anything for me. I remember that my insurance company offers free virtual doctor visits 24/7. I was able to book one for that afternoon! The doctor listens to my symptoms and agrees that I have some sort of lung infection, but the only treatments she can offer are a powerful cough suppressant and antibiotics. We luckily found a pharmacy that was open during the holiday, about a one-hour drive away. My wife was able to pick up the prescriptions late that afternoon.

The cough suppressant worked great - it was Tessalon Perles, aka Benzonatate. I started the antibiotics and hoped for the best.
Thursday night, fever returned; night sweats do not. I was able to finally get some sleep after taking some more fever reducer and cough suppressant.
Friday morning - again, the fever is completely gone, and I just lay in bed and rest, hoping the antibiotics start working soon.
Friday night (24th), the fever returns with a vengeance, determined to make me as miserable as possible. I had the worst night yet. O2 readings drop as low as 85% at times. At this point, I’m starting to become delirious due to the fever and lack of sleep. All I remember is sitting up in various positions, begging for morning and relief to come.
Sure enough, by Saturday morning I’m feeling fine yet again. Regardless, I am ready to get off this merry go-round. I don’t like this ride anymore!

​Since Tuesday or Wednesday, my wife had been trying to get me to just go to the emergency room. I’ve been stubborn, saying I will be fine, but the exhaustion was getting overwhelming. She did some research and found a hospital that had the best reputation in the area. It’s a 25-minute drive, but highly rated with a trauma level 2 emergency center. We knew it would be staffed 24/7 with good doctors.
I crawled into the car, and my daughter drove me to the hospital (it gets dark by 5 here this time of year, and my wife can’t see well at night). I know there is something terribly wrong with me, so I devised a plan to convince the doctors of this fact very quickly. I told her to pull up the emergency drop-off and run in asking for help. Within a couple minutes, two guys show up with a wheelchair and help me into it.

I know what happens next - triage. My fear is they would take one look at me and put me to the back of the line. I had recently gone to the emergency room at a hospital near my home for stitches and ended up waiting 4 or 5 hours. However, after a nurse took my vitals and saw my O2 level, she sent a doctor to me right away. I told him that it drops to 85% sometimes. This gets his attention. He ordered an x-ray of my chest immediately. Within a few minutes, a portable x-ray is positioned in front of me. They tell me to take a deep breath, which sets off another long coughing fit. All of this while I was still in the waiting room with about 70 or 80 other people.

The results are instant; the doctor could see the images right there on the machine. Next thing I know he’s yelling Code Sepsis to everyone in earshot. Is he talking about me? I know I’m sick, but sepsis? That’s serious. He explains that I have double pneumonia and need to be admitted right away. I tell him I will be happy to be admitted and treated by any doctor available. 
I’m quickly given my own room, and an oxygen mask is fitted. My O2 levels go back above 95% after a half hour or so, and I start feeling much better. They also gave me a Tessalon Perle and some fever reducer.

Next thing I know, it’s Sunday morning, the 26th of November. I’ve slept well. At some point overnight they inserted a drip line in my arm and have been giving me fluids and antibiotics all night. They had also drawn blood for testing.

My wife, daughter, and four doctors appear at my bedside. One of the doctors told me that my pneumonia was very severe, and it was good that I came to the hospital when I did.
The mask makes it impossible for me to talk, so I use my hands and head motions to answer their questions. Also, my wife can answer most of the questions for me. No, I do not have COVID. I took two tests at home, both negative. I tell them that I had childhood asthma and a history of frequent bronchitis, but nothing within the last 25 or 30 years.

My wife had stayed up all night searching the internet for my symptoms and recent activities. She tells the doctors she thinks it’s Valley Fever (also called coccidioidomycosis or “cocci”), and here’s why: 1. I went hiking right after some unusually strong Santa Ana winds came through our area (our neighborhood is located right at the bottom of the valley the winds come through). 2. I had been flattening several gopher hills in our backyard over several days a week before I got sick. This soil was unlike anything I had ever seen - dry, crumbly, and dusty. Both of those are a risk factor for this part of the country, according to what she found.

Most of the doctors are skeptical. Healthy people with intact immune systems are not likely to get Valley Fever. We remind them that asthma is also a risk factor. Still, they don’t all agree. Only the pulmonologist agrees with her at this point. They decided to keep me on antibiotics, get more blood tests, and asked me for a sputum sample. I’d been taking cough suppressants, so I was unable to provide one until the next day.

I have very little memory of the next few days, so from this point on, most of what I write here was gleaned in four different ways: 1. from what my wife and daughter told me; 2. from what the doctors and nurses told me; 3. from my memory (completely unreliable because for the next few days, I was delirious); and 4. from the detailed medical report I requested upon discharge from the hospital.

Hospital, Day 2. No improvement. Don’t remember eating or anything for that matter. I must have just slept.

Day 3. I’m getting worse. They fit me with a BiPAP device to force more oxygen into my lungs. I’d been coughing all night, at one point choking on a cough so badly I thought I was going to die. I hit the nurse call button at least five times, but by the time she got there I had cleared my throat and was breathing again. It was very scary. Also, I was catheterized on this day as I could no longer get to the bathroom. 100% do not recommend!
The doctors finally agreed I may have a fungal infection and took me off antibiotics and started the antifungals. They didn’t want to do this at first, as the antifungal drugs have very serious side effects. The results of the Valley Fever test won’t be available for another week or so.

Day 4. Still getting worse. The BiPAP device is unable to keep my O2 levels up. The antifungals are having no effect. My only memory of this day was the pain caused by the tight straps of the BiPAP device on my head.

Day 5. I’m delirious and don’t remember much until the doctors came to tell me that the antifungals are still having no effect, and I must be put in a medical coma and intubated. I realize at this point that my life is in danger. Later, a nurse wakes me up and tells me I need to swallow a feeding tube she is trying to insert into my nose. It felt like folded barbed wire, this I also 100% do not recommend! I eventually get it swallowed, and she told me I did a good job. Then she starts something into my IV that will sedate me for the intubation. I told my wife and daughter everything would be OK; I didn’t tell them how terrified I was. My last thought was, “I may never wake up again.”.

Day 15 (December 10th). For the next several paragraphs, I will need to switch to a “perception” and “reality” mode. I will attempt to keep what I thought was happening separate from what actually happened. It took a long time for all the drugs they used to put me in a coma to finally wear off. The drug that caused most of my mental issues was ketamine.

Perception: I woke up to several nurses surrounding my bed, gently coaxing me out of a deep sleep. The nurses all seemed very happy, almost joyous. Their exuberance quickly put me in a great mood also, that is until I’d realized what’s happened to me. I had been cut in half horizontally right at mid-chest level. While I was cut in half they put plastic valves with lids that flip over to open and close on both my esophagus and trachea. They had put me back together but left my chest open so they could see inside. One nurse kept messing with a large tube that went through my throat which caused one of the lids to flip over repeatedly.  Every time that lid flipped over, I gagged from the sensation. Another nurse was also doing the same with a smaller tube and lid.  They kept messing with these tubes for several minutes. The nurses assured me I was doing a great job, and I kept wondering “what am I doing that’s so great other than not throwing up all over them! Are they happy because I didn’t die when I was cut in half?” Eventually they stopped messing with the tubes and I was allowed to go back to sleep.

Hours later, I woke up in a large basket, propped up by all my belongings that my wife and daughter had brought to the hospital during my stay. The basket was just big enough for me to fit into. It was made of wire mesh, a little larger than a shopping cart. Slightly to my left and about 20 feet away I saw a row of windows, and through those windows I could see nurses working at a long table. Occasionally, one of the nurses would glance at me. None of them came to talk to me. It felt like I was in a dark car garage, but I couldn’t look to the right to confirm this as it hurt too much to turn my head. My neck and left shoulder were very sore. I sat in that basket, extremely uncomfortable, for what felt like 12 hours before finally falling back to sleep.

Reality: I had been woken to be extubated and moved to ICU recovery overnight. They had woken me to reduce the chance of me aspirating vomit during the process. My wife and daughter had been called at 5 AM and were on the way to the hospital to see me. I woke up again to my wife and daughter beaming the largest smiles I had ever seen on their faces. It was so beautiful. I could see that my wife had lost weight. I could not talk; I could not hear; I could not turn my head; I could barely even lift my arms. Every attempt to talk came out as a whispered groan. My wife told me I was going to be fine and that I had been in the coma for 11 days. She tried asking me questions, but it was impossible to answer her in my state. I could only hear a little from my right ear.

I couldn’t lift my arms enough to draw words on the whiteboard a nurse provided. I had so many questions and was extremely frustrated that I could not ask them. I quickly became exhausted from the effort to communicate and fell back to sleep.
Night 15: Perception: I was hanging from a sling high off the floor. It was very uncomfortable, almost painful. I saw a hospital bed about 10 feet away. A nurse walked in; I pointed at the bed and grunted, trying to get her to please put me in that bed. She told me she could not; I had been throwing up into my breathing mask, and it was too dangerous to be in bed at this point. I used every sound I could think of to argue with her, as well as some tears, but she still refused. It seemed like I was in the sling the entire night.

Reality: I was moved from one bed to another; I was only in the sling for a short time. The hospital bed was propped up as high as it could go, and this is why I was so uncomfortable.
Day 16: I was more aware after waking this day. I was still mostly deaf. My wife got close to my right ear and began telling me what had happened over the last 11 days. It took until day 9 of intubation for the antifungals to start working. However, the doctors were unaware of this. They were wanting to perform a tracheostomy to make it easier for them to vacuum the mucus buildup out of my lungs every day. For two days she had insisted that they try to wean me off the ventilator to see what would happen instead of performing the tracheostomy. She would constantly harass every doctor that came into the ICU about this. Her fear was that the longer I was on the ventilator, the less chance I had of survival. Also, if I could breathe on my own, the machine was damaging my lungs. She finally convinced one of the doctors to try it. She was right; soon after turning it off, I started breathing well enough on my own to maintain minimum O2 levels. They left me like that for 6 hours before turning the machine back on. They extubated me early the next morning.

Later that day the feeding tube was removed, but this time they made me pull it out myself. The breathing mask was also removed, and I was fitted with a high-flow nasal cannula instead. This thing blew oxygen into my nostrils at hurricane strength 24/7. Then a nurse handed me a weird device that looked like a clear plastic wand with slits in the tip. It was connected to something behind the bed and had a constant vacuum on it. She showed me how to suck the buildup of mucus out of my mouth and throat before it built up enough to choke me. They had been doing this for me ever since I was extubated because I couldn’t swallow at all, and I barely even remembered. It took all the strength I could muster to work it, but I quickly came to rely on this device to save me from choking to death. As I become stronger, my coughs produced copious amounts of vile tasting mucus that I could easily choke on while lying in bed. I later learned the device is called an oropharyngeal suctioning catheter.

Night 16:

Perception: I woke up completely naked, lying on a table in a dark room at the top of a tower. The three walls I could see to my left, front, and right were full of windows that went almost all the way to the floor. Most of the windows were open, and a cold wind was blowing the sheer curtains so much they were brushing against me sometimes. I could see stars, tall trees, and clouds in the moonlight. I was freezing so I started ripping the curtains off to use them as covers. I eventually got most of them on me, but they were so sheer they provided little warmth. I tried getting up off the table, but I was too weak. I was freezing to death - my breathing getting slower and slower. I was certain I was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Reality: I had been spitting up mucus and bile onto my gown and covers, and this was why I was so cold. I had also ripped my nasal cannula out. The night nurse was alerted by my O2 sensor alarm. She angrily berated me for removing the cannula, then changed my gown and covers. I finally got warm again and fell back to sleep.


​Day 17: I was still not allowed to eat or drink. I still could not talk but was strong enough to text my family to communicate. The days are great as I visit with my family. The day nurses are wonderful. I slept most of the day.

Night 17: Perception: I woke up in a very large, darkened room. There are about seven young children in the room with me. A nurse points at a matrix of long wooden drawers that are inserted into the wall. Each drawer is fitted with a large video screen and a toy rifle connected with cables to the screens. She told us to choose a drawer to get into and that there will be dinosaurs to shoot on the monitors. We are competing against each other. I quickly tired of the game because the wood was very cold, and I wanted to be in a warm bed again. I call the nurse and use hand signals and grunts to try to ask to be put back into a regular bed. The nurse was confused and said, “use your words!” because I was clearly frustrated. I’ve never felt so helpless. After hours of shivering, I eventually fell back to sleep.
Reality: I am still in ICU recovery. The drugs that kept me asleep during intubation were still causing hallucinations.

Day 18: Another great day. I was feeling much better, and my hearing was slowly returning. I still could not do much other than slightly turn my head. I had lost so much muscle mass that I can barely even shift my position in bed. My family stays with me as long as the hospital allows every day.

Night 18: Perception: I was in a darkened room with about five other people. We are told we must save some kids who are trapped in a sunken boat. We are fitted with tiny, very futuristic scuba gear. The water was freezing. I could not make it to the boat and returned defeated. I ripped the scuba gear off my face in frustration.
Reality: I have torn off my nasal cannula and set off the O2 alarm again. The night nurse is again very angry with me and puts it back on, telling me I must keep it inserted (I still think it’s scuba gear at this point, but keep it in anyway). I fell back to sleep.
Day 19: I was moved out of ICU recovery to a regular hospital room. I was finally allowed some ice chips to ease my dry mouth (I had been on an IV drip all this time). At least seven doctors have been assigned to my case. Three of them tell me that I have made tremendous progress with my recovery considering all the complications I have had. I was unaware of most of them, of course, but here is a partial list:

• Bilateral lower leg deep vein thrombosis - blood clots in both calves.
• Pulmonary Embolism: one of the blood clots moved into my lungs.
• Urinary tract infection
• Infection in both eyes
• Severe constipation - my digestive tract had completely shut down.
• Near complete hearing loss – the doctors had no explanation for this.
• Acute Kidney Injury - caused by one or more of the antifungals.
• Lactic acidosis - too much acid in my blood.
• Hypercalcemia - blood calcium levels above normal.
• Anaphylactic rash covering my entire trunk - caused by a bad reaction to the first antifungal medicine they tried. They had to quickly switch to a different antifungal drug.
• Liver damage - caused by one or more of the antifungals.
• Severe hypokalemia - low potassium levels.
• Massive pus-filled blisters on my arms - caused by the antifungals.
• Left shoulder injury - caused by pulled ligaments during the twice-a-day bed repositioning while intubated.
• Left forearm nerve damage - no idea how this one happened, but they did have to restrain me while I was intubated.
• Cholecystitis - gallbladder inflammation - caused by rapid weight loss (I lost more than 30 lbs in less than two weeks). My attending doctors never mentioned this. I found this information in my medical history logs months after leaving the hospital.

Days 20–26: Many doctors checked on me every day. I was slowly weaned off the nasal cannula. I was finally allowed a liquid diet. My first taste of fruit juice was almost orgasmic. I received special lung treatments with a mask that creates a medicine-filled fog that I breathe in for a few minutes three times a day. I slowly regained my hearing and ability to talk.
I was told that after I got released, I would have to go to a physical therapy hospital for another week before I could go home. The nights had been extremely difficult because I slept all day and stared at the walls all night - hospitals are super noisy - I hated nights! Physical therapists had to help me learn to eat again. I slowly transitioned from a liquid diet to soft food, then in my last two days to regular food.

When they helped me out of bed for the first time, I saw myself in the bathroom mirror – who the heck is that frail old man with a full gray beard!? The therapists gave me a long list of exercises to do every chance I got. I was determined not to go another week in yet another hospital and started doing exercises in my bed several times a day. By day 22, I could get out of bed on my own and roam the halls unassisted.

On day 25, another physical therapist came to evaluate me. I was able to do everything she asked, even going to another floor and back using the stairs. I was exhausted afterwards, but she said I passed with flying colors and would not have to go to the PT hospital after all.
One of the doctors came and asked me for permission to write and publish a paper about my case. I agreed and was asked to sign a document giving my permission, even though my name will not be in the paper. I also learned that my case was also being added to a study by scientists at UCLA.

I was told by various doctors that my liver and kidney function have finally returned to normal. Hooray! However, I had a major setback during this time as my potassium levels were dangerously low. They could not release me from the hospital until it was under control. They gave me bag after bag of potassium chloride drips over a 2- or 3-day period, as well as potassium pills the size of my thumb - yes, I did choke on them several times.

On top of that, they could not release me because my insurance company denied the antifungal prescription I would need to take for another 3 to 6 months due to the high cost. It took 2 days for the doctors to overcome this so I could finally leave.
I was finally released from the hospital on December 20th. My family was very excited that I would be home for Christmas.

Days 27 - 45: I slept up to 18 hours a day. Valley fever is very hard to fully cure and causes severe fatigue. I still had pneumonia in both lungs. I only coughed occasionally but rarely coughed up mucus anymore. I progressed from walking 20 minutes a day to an hour by day 45. I was still taking blood thinners to prevent more blood clots.

Day 46: January 9th: I went to see my pulmonologist for a follow-up. After seeing my X-rays, he told me I was doing well. I may be able to get off the blood thinners after just 3 months. I asked him to allow me to go back to work on Monday, the 15th. On the way home, I got my first junk food since getting sick - one slice of pepperoni pizza.

Night 46: 9 PM, I got what I thought was a gas pain in my upper abdomen. I’ve had lactose intolerance for years, but normally pizza doesn’t cause issues. I thought nothing of it and tried to sleep. The pain became too much to bear, so I took 2 max strength pain relievers and was finally able to sleep at around 2:30 AM.

Day 47: I felt fine. No pain. I could eat and walk around like a normal day.

Night 47: Repeat of night 46, except the pain moved a little to the right. I still thought it was gas.

Day 48: Another normal pain-free day.

Night 48: Repeat of night 47, except the pain had moved a little more to the right. I still thought it was gas.

Day 49: Another normal day, but now the pain had moved even further to the right of my abdomen. I started to get a little worried that there may be something wrong with me again.

Night 49: Not too bad; after taking painkillers, I was able to sleep.

Day 50: Saturday, January 13th. The pain was now more intense. I had a late breakfast and took my antifungal and blood thinner medications. Over the next 2 or 3 hours, the pain kept increasing. At this point, it’s obvious that I had something that needed medical attention.
My daughter took me to the hospital again. It’s packed - nearly 100 people waiting to be seen. Upon check-in, I told them the pain was at 8. Three hours later, when they finally called my name, it’s 15 out of 10. I should have lied and said 10 during check-in. It felt like I had been shot in the stomach. I could no longer walk because it was too painful. They put me in a wheelchair and took me to get X-rays. I begged everyone in earshot for pain medicine. They told me they will get them to me as soon as possible. They put me back in the waiting room to wait for blood to be drawn for testing. I’m in absolute agony.

Finally, when someone came to get me for an ultrasound, I told her I was supposed to get my blood drawn so they could give me pain medicine.  Thankfully she agreed and took me to another room. The phlebotomist there inserted an IV and drew several vials of blood that was taking forever; all the while I begged her for pain medications. Finally, at near 10 PM, I got a Percocet and something into my IV. Oh, the wonders of opioids - 100% recommend! The ultrasound tech took me straight from there to her equipment room. Within a few minutes, she identified the problem - my gallbladder was massively swollen.

Before I even got back to the waiting room, a doctor stopped me in the hallway to ask a few questions. I told him I just got out of the hospital a few weeks prior and still have pneumonia and Valley Fever. He admitted me to a hospital room immediately for observation and then put me on IV antibiotics. I slept well due to the pain medications.

Day 51: The nurses did a wonderful job keeping me comfortable, asking about my pain every few hours. My pulmonologist came into my room looking very concerned. He had already spoken to my surgeon that I have yet to meet and explained to me that my gallbladder needs to be removed right away, but because I am on blood thinners and a recent pulmonary embolism, we will have to wait up to three days for it to be safe. I told him that the last one I took was on Saturday morning. He was worried that my gall bladder would burst before I had surgery. I was not allowed to eat or drink until after surgery.

The surgeon who would be removing my gallbladder visited and was also very concerned about the fact that I was taking blood thinners. She would have liked to perform the surgery right away but could not. I was getting very hungry and thirsty but was only allowed a few ice chips. The surgery was scheduled for two days later.
At about 2 PM, I had a massive surge of pain that slowly faded over the next 2 hours. I think that this is when my gallbladder burst.

Day 52: Monday the 15th. The surgeon returned and told me that that morning’s blood tests showed now I had a very serious infection. She moved the surgery to that night. My pulmonologist ordered another CT scan and found that my embolism had finally resolved, and I was cleared for surgery as the blood thinners have done the one thing he was most worried about. They came and got me at about 5 PM. It wasn’t long before they put me to sleep in the operating room. They were able to do the entire operation laparoscopically, so that night I went back to my regular hospital room. My wife and daughter were there waiting for me. The doctors said that everything went well, and I should be able to recover quickly.

Days 53-55: The surgeon came to tell me that yes, my gallbladder did burst, and it was gangrenous. She had to spend extra time cleaning the bile and infection out of my abdomen. Due to this, I was put on even more powerful antibiotics and needed to stay in the hospital a few more days. Most people can leave the hospital a few hours after laparoscopic removal. By late afternoon, I had begun physical therapy yet again.

By the next day, I was feeling much better. I walked the long halls three separate times (it is a massive hospital). They finally allowed me soft food again. On Thursday, I was very sore from all the walking and the surgery. I must have overdone it due to the pain medications blocking all pain. They wouldn’t give me opioids anymore, and I was fine with this. A nurse taught me how to empty and care for the surgery drain. I would have to keep the drain in for about 2 weeks total.

By Thursday afternoon, I was released from the hospital a second time.
I spent the next few weeks recovering. The surgery was much harder on me than I thought it would be, but I was determined to get back to work. After 10 weeks total, on January 29th, I returned to work. Luckily, I work from home, sitting at a computer all day.
I took the antifungals and blood thinners for four more months after leaving the hospital. Some people must take the antifungals for a year or more. The antifungals had some terrible side effects, but the two that affected me the most were fatigue and hair loss.

By four months post-op, I was able to hike almost all my favorite mountain trails again. I have permanent lung damage and will never be the same as before. I still cough a few times a day, but I feel mostly normal. The current research says that though I can never be reinfected with Valley Fever because my immune system finally recognizes it and will fight it. However, there are cocci spores permanently trapped in my lungs that are being suppressed by my immune system. If my immune system ever becomes compromised, I could get it again.

Valley Fever is becoming a growing problem in the Southwest US as global warming worsens. The latest research suggests anyone could get this disease at any time while doing outdoor activities. What seems to matter most is how many spores are unknowingly inhaled. Just this month several people attending an outdoor concert contracted Valley Fever, with at least three being hospitalized. People die from this disease due to misdiagnosis nearly every day, especially if they travel to the Southwest US for vacation, contract it, then go back home. Most doctors in other regions of the US have never even heard of this disease.

​The total bill for my Valley Fever care was $1,860,000! My insurance paid them a negotiated rate of around $437,000. The gallbladder surgery was another $250,000 before insurance. Insurance negotiated that down to around $50,000. I am very fortunate that I have good insurance. These amounts are outrageous and show how badly we need medical billing reform in this country. 

Today was President Jimmy Carter's funeral. He died on December 29, 2024 after being in hospice care for 2 years at the age of 100. Although no one is perfect, Jimmy Carter was pretty close. Many talk about the life of Christ, but President Carter took it upon himself to live it. To wage peace wherever he went. President Carter continues to have a deep impact on how I shape my life, and how I want to live it. His departure from the earth plane leaves a large gap. One that I suspect will take many people to fill. Will you be one of them? I will do my best to play my part to live as President Carter has taught us: with grace, compassion, and principled discipline. 

Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn demonstrated what it was to be in a committed and equal partnership at a time when there weren't many public examples on display. No matter how busy he was he always took time out to teach Sunday School because he was dedicated to living his spirituality. ​He cared about the youth of the nation as well. He taught us as children of the 1970's and 1980's to be global citizens. To take good care of the world and to take good care of ourselves and the people we loved. Jimmy Carter, a peanut farmer from the segregated south turned international diplomat and US President winning a Nobel Peace Prize for his work in the Middle East showed us what it was to live as an inclusive world citizen. To wield a soft but strong power of respect and dignity for all.

A true yin-yang type of personality; he utilized both Soft and Hard diplomatic policy. A Nuclear Physicist who strengthened the military while deploying the persuasive powers of a Southern gentleman to never have to use it. These are just a few ways he was a guiding light for many and will continue to be for those who choose to keep his principles at the forefront of their hearts and minds. 

I admire President Carter's inclusivity. Something I fall short of, but aspire to achieve. A measuring stick I pull out to see how I'm doing. Each day I hope to do better. Jimmy Carter the president who placed solar panels on the White House and told us to learn the metric system to be in alignment with the rest of the world. He will always live within me, and I will continue to pass his way of living down to my children the best that I can. He was a real one, living his ideals not just preaching  and pandering. That is what separates him from any other who calls themself a leader. He sacrificed for the greater good. I am not sure people will appreciate enough. But that is what makes you a great leader! That's who I wish to be as well. 

Many are jealous that they will never get the level of love and respect that someone truly living the spiritual path will receive for their lifetime of work. It is something earned, you cannot purchase it, coerce it, demand it. It comes from offering love, relief, and bringing peace. "Installing smiles for miles." is something that came to mind when thinking about what to write today. He built homes through Habitat for Humanity and lived in a modest one himself. 

Thank you President Carter, you will be greatly missed. 

To find out more about President Jimmy Carter you can learn about him through
The Carter Center

We all have options about how to approach life during uncertain heavy dark times.  

Today the topic is the moth and the firefly and what they have to teach us about managing our light during shadow times. 

When the moth is in the dark they look for an external light source for warmth and light.

This external source of their desires often gets them in trouble. It leads them to places that do not serve them and can even lead to their untimely demise. The moths search for external sources of warmth and light that leave them fascinated and dependent on something that can be destructive. There is not freedom in it, no range. 

The firefly on the other hand when facing the shadow has adapted to this condition with bioluminescence. The firefly creates its own light. This allows the firefly to always have light, and to have freedom of range because the fire fly IS light. The light is part of the fire fly. As such there is an autonomy of control that the fire fly has over their experience. When you think about it this is what gives fire flies their magical charm. 

When the world doesn't feel warm or light it is good to take a lesson from the fire fly. Internalize your light, your warmth, your emotional requirements. Because the joy, hope, ecstasy all live within us. We all have our own light. Like any practice we become stronger and more proficient at it when we work at the skill every day. Find reasons to feel joy, belonging, love, and all the preferred things to feel. Over time it becomes easier to be emotionally autonomous. To burn your own Phoenix light in your heart and belly regardless of what is occurring  externally. 

So take a lesson from the moth and the fire fly. Don't look to external sources to "make" you happy or validate your existence, own your bright light and shine on wherever you go!

One of the things that can be greatly underestimated is the length of the process of becoming who you wish to be. And that progress is not a 45 ° angle. It's a wave, a swirl, the trajectory is all over the place. And as an all over the place swirl we won't make progress everyday, and that is ok. Today we will discuss what to do on the no progress days. 

I often say, "you will get a lesson, the preferred result, or the opportunity to become one step closer to the person that is capable of achieving the preferred result." Let's dive deeper into the third option of that sentence. Shall we? 

The lesson will come when something didn't go as planned. We can review it and see if there was anything we could have done differently. Preferred result, we can review and see what we liked about what we did, why it worked and how we can do it again. After playing back what happened and documenting it we can find the gaps between what we would have liked to have happen and what happened. How can we look at the points of friction and replace it with flow state process?

What do you need to become the person who can get the results that you want? 

What does the person who does what you want to do successfully have?

How might the person who is successful at what you want to do behave in this situation?

What might you need to change about yourself to become more like them?  

Some other useful questions you may ask yourself are: 

Do I need to upskill? 

Do I need to look at our timing? 

Do I need to surrender a part of the process to something or someone else, remove the ego from the outcome? 

Do I need to enlist an expert? 

These are just a few of the questions that can be asked. On days when it feels like no progress can be made we can always strengthen these areas so that when the opportunity comes again to attempt our goal we can face it with more of the tools, techniques, and resources needed to do better. Maybe next time we may fail better and have a meaningful lesson, or as we all hope, achieve the preferred result. 

Think of some goals that you are currently working toward. How can you fill the gap between where you are now and what skills, processes, resources or tools you could add to your toolkit to bring you closer to being the person who is able to achieve the preferred results? 

Feel free to share in the comment section your experience with closing the gap to success.