Personal Value

"Some of them want to use you. 
Some of them want to get used by you. 
Some of them want to abuse you. 
Some of them want to be abused." 
-Lyrics by the Eurythmics​

Ego is a powerful thing. The way we determine our own self worth particularly when there isn't a long list of accomplishments to tick off that society would deem traditionally successful. From my observations of myself and others is the temptation to measure self worth by who we interact with instead of doing the work to be truly successful on our own. Hence the dynamic of the lyrics the power comes from the story of who loves us, who hates us, who we allow to use and abuse us just to say that they are in our lives. Because we find personal value in that. Let me explain further. 

I have been on both sides of this dynamic. Being both the bestower and recipient of perceived personal value due to association.  Neither side of it feels awesome once the realization happens that that is what is going on. For example knowing that someone is trying to strike up a relationship in an attempt to steal some of the aura of success you created by working hard and achieving goals feels bad.

It also feels bad when after a personal evaluation you find yourself inquiring "Why does it matter so much to me that I have a relationship with this person? Is this a bond on mutual connection and affection in exchange or am I just trying to make myself feel better because of the company I keep?" That is especially problematic when knowing the relationship is an excuse for not doing the work and finding true personal success. True personal success allows one to feel good about life's accomplishments regardless of what anyone else does. Personal accomplishment that is authentic is a feeling that no-one can take away from you. Basing value on relationships leads to unhealthy power dynamics all the way around. It doesn't last because it isn't real. 

A healthy way to come together with a successful person, either in a friendship or something more intimate is to do the work to deal with personal insecurities. Do the work to create personal fulfillment and feelings of success that way there is something to share. Confidence is attractive, dependence is not.

Always remember all happiness and power is yours to access whenever you want to when you internalize personal value. Do not place the ability to obtain it outside of yourself in what may be some unattainable standard that another person, for their own reasons, places outside of your grasp. That is no way to live a contented life. Add value to the lives of those around you. Do something difficult and stick with it until it is done. Each time this is accomplished a higher level of confidence is achieved. Ego dies, as it is not needed, and personal value is felt deeply and authentically because it is real. It is all yours. No one can take that away from you because you earned it and it's yours to keep. 

Author

Sophia Tesch is a writer and #momtrepreneur living in Arizona.