I was thinking today that I am so lucky. 

I am lucky in these moments that are hard to share with other people. 

These are what I like to call Disney Princess moments. 

For example, yesterday when I rolled over in the morning to see a humming bird peeping at me through my window. That felt special. This morning I took a hike and there were all these desert critters, birds, bunnies, little prairie dogs.  All flittering and scurrying around me. Pretty songs of the song birds. I wished them a good morning and put up a little prayer about how happy I was in that moment. It's those moments. Free of cost, just in the presence of nature feeling special and beautiful and connected to nature all around me. Those are the moments that bring me joy and comfort no matter how strange and dangerous the world can feel on a macro level. 

I am not interested in corporate life.
 
Corporate life is so separated from this feeling. The polar opposite from what makes me happy in fact. 

There are many things that I can do without, that I sacrifice so that I can be out in nature more often feeling real freedom. I hate playing the game. It's not worth it. 

Not to me. 

Anyway, I am so grateful for the Disney Princess moments. 

How blessed am I to experience them? Very. 

These moments just for me. Every time I try to take a picture or share it with others it dissolves

I can never seem to capture it on camera.  It's just for me. How cool is that? :) 

Humans make life way more complicated than it needs to be. 

Until next time. 

Hello all. 

Today I want to talk about working with resistance. 

Because frankly the inspiration hasn't been coming lately. 

And so there is this question, do I not put out anything at all? 

How long can that go on? The algo demands content, right? 

So today I talk about the resistance. 

This feels like an ongoing tension that I constantly exist in. The demand of production versus the not doing. A mentor of mine recently took some time off, an earlier retirement. Getting used to not having to answer the bell every morning is an adjustment. Some urge to be productive pulls on him still. I very much related to that sentiment. 

I have the time, but not the ability, to let go of the time clock if not the notion that my value comes from my production. The fear that if I am not seen as the proper kind of productive I will be rejected in some way. It's all about production. Is it though? 

And so here I am typing this out. Producing. Not sure how valuable it is. But I am doing it. Showing up, for whatever that is worth. Working through this fog of resistance. Acknowledging that sometimes the words are not there. The words at times will not be there for an amount of time that is both uncomfortable and even scary. I could always count on the words being there before, and lately the just aren't. Taking time to give myself permission to take care of me first. First, before the words, before the production, before the ravenous greed of the algo.
​Because if I don't, who will? 

I apologize for the lack of cohesion in my past few posts.

Posting through the resistance.

I think it will get better.

But it is not better right now. 

Until next time.  

It is interesting but not surprising to see the reactions of people when they are being tested by Spirit.

This is a test of the galactic energy system, this is only a test. 

When times get tough we see who runs, who stands, and who cuts self-serving deals. 
If history students from the future were to ask me about this time in America. I would say that my biggest shock and surprise was how many people took a step back, capitulated, and took deals instead of just ending a stupid mistake of voting a 34 time convicted felon to be president. Trump has always seen himself as dictator and mob boss. He was a straight up snake out front. He never asked for redemption. It was the way people just accepted the propaganda. How tied they all were into labels and titles like President, Attorney General, and all the rest that they didn't accept the obvious lies as lies. The mental gymnastics they partook in to make the madness fit somehow in their minds is a breathtaking spectacle to watch unfold before us in terrifying speed. 

I don't understand how so many didn't see what was happening. How so many saw it all as business as usual. No big deal we will just play the game of political volleyball we've been playing since the Regan years. Bouncing power back and forth without much of a change no matter who had the ball on their side of the net. It's just wild to me all of it. How many hid away instead of executing the procedures of the emergency levers that were available to them in the Constitution. I call them the crickets. Because when we demanded they do their jobs all we heard were the chirps of crickets. Those who were in charge of stewardship, the guardians nowhere to be found. Not sure what they were thinking? That they would be spared if they cooperated but they were thrown out into the streets too anyway. So what good did that get them? 

As time went on we got to the place where we are now. Where the people who could have done the job have been dismissed were forced out. So they don't have access to the tools that would have made a reset a whole lot easier. But instead of crying over spilled milk what I would like to say to all of this is -- of course. 

To be hired onto these positions one had to be a conformists. Sycophants were installed in positions of power in charge of making the critical decisions. And sure, everyone has their struggles in life, I am not saying that the veterans in these positions didn't know struggle, of course they did. But their struggle was in the confines of a system that for the most part took care of them. They were symbiotic to its cause. They were ok with the daily atrocities for the most part. It offered a nice union protected salary and benefits package. These aren't the people who will run to put out a fire. They did their time. They just wanted steady unbothered work until guaranteed retirement. They stared frozen as the flames of authoritarianism came to their door.

If they weren't forced to move by the layoffs and pressures to resign, they might not have done anything at all. It is their job to serve I suppose they would say. But there are fundamental problems with this system if no one saw this coming. There were signs for decades. When it was brought to the attention of those who could have done something to protect against it, they were benefitting too greatly from the system to have any concern about it. Where was their attention all of this time to have this inevitable disaster creep up on them? Or did they think they would be included in the spoils of it all? I think many just thought this is America there is no way this could happen here. It is unprecedented we have strong institutions. Well it happened here. The institutions let us down so far. Unless there is some amazing miracle that happens before July we are as the children say cooked.

This we'll cross that bridge when we come to it mentality from the "leadership" of our institutions was dismissive and insulting. Well now the bridge is on fire. They scatter in self- preservation. Making it obvious that we the American People are left to handle this on our own. Without all the fancy institutions that we pay our tax dollars to so that we wouldn't be left to deal with things like this on our own. These government workers that benefitted from tax payer dollars who were now released to experience the suffering pains of poverty and lack that they were perfectly fine allowing others to live under indefinitely. Because they weren't supposed to be partisan. I get that, but what was creeping up in America wasn't normal, nor was it American it was a set up for a coup. Now they feel the lack of protection of the system that they stood behind for all of these years. It will be interesting to see what comes of this moment. What this talent does with this crushing experience now that it happened to them personally. It is very likely that after the dust settles and the mess gets cleaned up whenever that occurs we can come out stronger and better as a nation. The uncertainty is there though. We don't know when that might happen given the current trajectory of events. 

All this being said I have Faith that something better is being birthed from all of this mess. This is forcing America to decide who we are, what our common values are, and what we stand for. In the end there will be cases that can be referred to in the future. If you haven't donated to the ACLU but love democracy please consider a  donation they have been saving our butts when the institutions abandoned us. Their incredible efforts give us the greatest sense of hope during these troubling times. 

​

Betrayal. 

If there was a vibe, a overarching feeling of the moment I would have to say betrayal is it. 

If someone was to ask what the biggest mistake a person could make in life I would say believing that all people are like you. That they think like you. That they would do what you did in the same circumstance. That they care about the same things you do or want the same things you do. That is a big mistake. 

When your gut sinks looking around you to see that foundations that you believed were strong and stable give way to leave you falling through space and time through the fog of the unknown. I thought you were going to be there for me, that was the contract, that was the agreement that I invested in. But when when time came to pay the check and do the hard thing it is amazing how many people disappear. The devastating realizations come in that they were using you all along with no intention of following through with what you thought were promises. 

This can happen in personal relationships, with employers, or governments. Feeling naive. Wondering what clues were missed. This can be traumatic. How does one continue to get up after being punched down by betrayal so many times? 

It is like so many things in life there comes a time to ask "What other choice is there?". Questions like why or why not rarely add value to the conversation. When the pain and loss is the same. When the grief is there anyway does it really matter why? I suppose we feel some relief if someone hurt us unintentionally instead of on purpose. To me that is no consolation because being so oblivious as to not take care with another human feels like more of a crime than knowingly doing a hurtful act for a motive even if that motive is nothing more than  just wanting to. That is easier to comprehend and wrap some understanding around. At least in my experience. 

I have felt a great deal of betrayal in my life. Recently with the exposure of the underbelly of America over the past few months I have felt it more acutely. Those who say never to depend on anything or anyone but yourself because you are the only one that you can be sure of. I didn't believe them but now I do. Self-reliance above all else because only you can care about you all of the time. 

This world is difficult to shield yourself from every moment of every day. It does feel better to live in community. Many hands make light work. There are always risks and trade-offs in life. We have to take chances. When given the cherished opportunity to live in a healthy state of community one should definitely take it. It just feels like those opportunities have become ever more rare in the modern world. 

Trust is earned a little at a time. Looking at the actions of an individual over time is the only way to truly know whether to trust them or not. We build the data set over time. 

I am healing from the betrayal. Learning to trust myself and the world again.

Because what choice do we have? 

​Hello. 

It's been awhile since I posted anything. It isn't that I haven't been writing. It's that nothing has come out worth saying. 

That's not to say that there hasn't been anything going on in the world many things are happening. Personally, I have challenges and joys like anyone else. I came to my desk, sat down, and typed. But it's nothing that you want to hear about. 

You have your own challenges and joys. Your own hopes and dreams. How are you? Do you feel like you are staring at great potential or the deep dark abyss? For me it seems to ocellate back and forth. 

I will post this blog to prove a few things. You can post a less than brilliant blog and survive it. Sometimes you have to get something out there just to break down the subconscious blocks in one's mind. 

Hopefully over the next few days I can get out some more meaningful thoughts about all the things that I have been thinking and feeling with the ending of a cycle of life ending and a new one beginning. I didn't think I would be restarting just a few years from the last time I was here standing in square one. But here we are. 

Anyway, I will get back to it tomorrow with something. I don't know this just seems to be the vibe lately. With the world collapsing around us why not take time for yourself. Not worrying about everyone else for a minute. Because, one thing the world is showing us is rescue isn't coming. It's up to each one of us to find our strength, to give ourselves love, care, validation. To take a moment to take solid inventory of our values and priorities. Because they will be tested. Are you ready? 
I am. 
Ready as I am going to be anyway. 
​

I woke up on Sunday, November 19th, feeling terrible. My temperature was 100.5 – there was definitely something wrong with me. I had received my flu and Covid boosters about two months earlier. I thought maybe I had contracted a strain of the flu that the shot didn’t cover.
I guessed that, as usual, I would be fine in a couple of days. I had been really pushing myself over the last few years to get as healthy as possible. I had a little belly fat, but my legs looked like a speed skater’s after all the mountain hiking near my home four times a week or more.
I was 57 and a telecommunications engineer. We had recently moved to Southern CA after my daughter got accepted to a college here, and COVID made my job permanently online. I had spent the previous 25 years living in the Dallas suburbs. I had been hiking there for years, but the weather in Southern CA allows me to hike year-round now.

As the day wore on, I already started feeling better. The fever went away. But as night approached, I started feeling low again, mostly because the fever returned. I wrote a quick email to my boss saying I most likely will be out sick Monday.
I went to bed a little early that night due to feeling very tired. I woke up at 2 AM with a terrible headache and was stunned to find that I and the bed were absolutely drenched in sweat. There was so much that it felt like someone had poured a bucket of warm water over me as I slept. Temperature 101.3 - I am sick, no doubt about it. Took some fever reducer, changed my sheets, and tossed and turned the rest of the night.
By the time the sun came up, I was feeling much better. My fever was gone again, but I still had a headache and felt very tired. I decided it was best to go ahead and take the day off and try to sleep.

The next night was a carbon copy of the previous night. But this time after waking up drenched, I was too ill to sleep even a wink. I could not find a comfortable position, no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was wait for morning.
Tuesday morning, the fever broke, and I’m feeling much better yet again. This is starting to get weird. Why are the nights so terrible? As the day wore on, it felt like I wasn’t getting enough air to breathe. I ordered a pulse oximeter for next-day delivery.
Tuesday night, another repeat. I did get a little sleep, but it was starting to get even harder to breathe. I felt weaker by the hour.

Wednesday morning, the fever was gone again. I felt fine, just very tired. The pulse oximeter came in that afternoon. It read 93%, nothing to worry about according to Google. As long as I stay above 92%, I am OK.
​
Wednesday night, another repeat of the previous nights with one major difference: the coughing finally starts. Ok, this is not the flu. The pulse oximeter (from now on I will refer to this as O2) reading drops to an average of 88%. I must have some type of respiratory infection. 
Thursday morning (Thanksgiving), I feel fine yet again. I cook a small Thanksgiving meal for my wife and daughter at around 1 PM. Because it’s a holiday, I know my doctor’s office is closed. I called some local clinics, but they say they would not be able to do anything for me. I remember that my insurance company offers free virtual doctor visits 24/7. I was able to book one for that afternoon! The doctor listens to my symptoms and agrees that I have some sort of lung infection, but the only treatments she can offer are a powerful cough suppressant and antibiotics. We luckily found a pharmacy that was open during the holiday, about a one-hour drive away. My wife was able to pick up the prescriptions late that afternoon.

The cough suppressant worked great - it was Tessalon Perles, aka Benzonatate. I started the antibiotics and hoped for the best.
Thursday night, fever returned; night sweats do not. I was able to finally get some sleep after taking some more fever reducer and cough suppressant.
Friday morning - again, the fever is completely gone, and I just lay in bed and rest, hoping the antibiotics start working soon.
Friday night (24th), the fever returns with a vengeance, determined to make me as miserable as possible. I had the worst night yet. O2 readings drop as low as 85% at times. At this point, I’m starting to become delirious due to the fever and lack of sleep. All I remember is sitting up in various positions, begging for morning and relief to come.
Sure enough, by Saturday morning I’m feeling fine yet again. Regardless, I am ready to get off this merry go-round. I don’t like this ride anymore!

​Since Tuesday or Wednesday, my wife had been trying to get me to just go to the emergency room. I’ve been stubborn, saying I will be fine, but the exhaustion was getting overwhelming. She did some research and found a hospital that had the best reputation in the area. It’s a 25-minute drive, but highly rated with a trauma level 2 emergency center. We knew it would be staffed 24/7 with good doctors.
I crawled into the car, and my daughter drove me to the hospital (it gets dark by 5 here this time of year, and my wife can’t see well at night). I know there is something terribly wrong with me, so I devised a plan to convince the doctors of this fact very quickly. I told her to pull up the emergency drop-off and run in asking for help. Within a couple minutes, two guys show up with a wheelchair and help me into it.

I know what happens next - triage. My fear is they would take one look at me and put me to the back of the line. I had recently gone to the emergency room at a hospital near my home for stitches and ended up waiting 4 or 5 hours. However, after a nurse took my vitals and saw my O2 level, she sent a doctor to me right away. I told him that it drops to 85% sometimes. This gets his attention. He ordered an x-ray of my chest immediately. Within a few minutes, a portable x-ray is positioned in front of me. They tell me to take a deep breath, which sets off another long coughing fit. All of this while I was still in the waiting room with about 70 or 80 other people.

The results are instant; the doctor could see the images right there on the machine. Next thing I know he’s yelling Code Sepsis to everyone in earshot. Is he talking about me? I know I’m sick, but sepsis? That’s serious. He explains that I have double pneumonia and need to be admitted right away. I tell him I will be happy to be admitted and treated by any doctor available. 
I’m quickly given my own room, and an oxygen mask is fitted. My O2 levels go back above 95% after a half hour or so, and I start feeling much better. They also gave me a Tessalon Perle and some fever reducer.

Next thing I know, it’s Sunday morning, the 26th of November. I’ve slept well. At some point overnight they inserted a drip line in my arm and have been giving me fluids and antibiotics all night. They had also drawn blood for testing.

My wife, daughter, and four doctors appear at my bedside. One of the doctors told me that my pneumonia was very severe, and it was good that I came to the hospital when I did.
The mask makes it impossible for me to talk, so I use my hands and head motions to answer their questions. Also, my wife can answer most of the questions for me. No, I do not have COVID. I took two tests at home, both negative. I tell them that I had childhood asthma and a history of frequent bronchitis, but nothing within the last 25 or 30 years.

My wife had stayed up all night searching the internet for my symptoms and recent activities. She tells the doctors she thinks it’s Valley Fever (also called coccidioidomycosis or “cocci”), and here’s why: 1. I went hiking right after some unusually strong Santa Ana winds came through our area (our neighborhood is located right at the bottom of the valley the winds come through). 2. I had been flattening several gopher hills in our backyard over several days a week before I got sick. This soil was unlike anything I had ever seen - dry, crumbly, and dusty. Both of those are a risk factor for this part of the country, according to what she found.

Most of the doctors are skeptical. Healthy people with intact immune systems are not likely to get Valley Fever. We remind them that asthma is also a risk factor. Still, they don’t all agree. Only the pulmonologist agrees with her at this point. They decided to keep me on antibiotics, get more blood tests, and asked me for a sputum sample. I’d been taking cough suppressants, so I was unable to provide one until the next day.

I have very little memory of the next few days, so from this point on, most of what I write here was gleaned in four different ways: 1. from what my wife and daughter told me; 2. from what the doctors and nurses told me; 3. from my memory (completely unreliable because for the next few days, I was delirious); and 4. from the detailed medical report I requested upon discharge from the hospital.

Hospital, Day 2. No improvement. Don’t remember eating or anything for that matter. I must have just slept.

Day 3. I’m getting worse. They fit me with a BiPAP device to force more oxygen into my lungs. I’d been coughing all night, at one point choking on a cough so badly I thought I was going to die. I hit the nurse call button at least five times, but by the time she got there I had cleared my throat and was breathing again. It was very scary. Also, I was catheterized on this day as I could no longer get to the bathroom. 100% do not recommend!
The doctors finally agreed I may have a fungal infection and took me off antibiotics and started the antifungals. They didn’t want to do this at first, as the antifungal drugs have very serious side effects. The results of the Valley Fever test won’t be available for another week or so.

Day 4. Still getting worse. The BiPAP device is unable to keep my O2 levels up. The antifungals are having no effect. My only memory of this day was the pain caused by the tight straps of the BiPAP device on my head.

Day 5. I’m delirious and don’t remember much until the doctors came to tell me that the antifungals are still having no effect, and I must be put in a medical coma and intubated. I realize at this point that my life is in danger. Later, a nurse wakes me up and tells me I need to swallow a feeding tube she is trying to insert into my nose. It felt like folded barbed wire, this I also 100% do not recommend! I eventually get it swallowed, and she told me I did a good job. Then she starts something into my IV that will sedate me for the intubation. I told my wife and daughter everything would be OK; I didn’t tell them how terrified I was. My last thought was, “I may never wake up again.”.

Day 15 (December 10th). For the next several paragraphs, I will need to switch to a “perception” and “reality” mode. I will attempt to keep what I thought was happening separate from what actually happened. It took a long time for all the drugs they used to put me in a coma to finally wear off. The drug that caused most of my mental issues was ketamine.

Perception: I woke up to several nurses surrounding my bed, gently coaxing me out of a deep sleep. The nurses all seemed very happy, almost joyous. Their exuberance quickly put me in a great mood also, that is until I’d realized what’s happened to me. I had been cut in half horizontally right at mid-chest level. While I was cut in half they put plastic valves with lids that flip over to open and close on both my esophagus and trachea. They had put me back together but left my chest open so they could see inside. One nurse kept messing with a large tube that went through my throat which caused one of the lids to flip over repeatedly.  Every time that lid flipped over, I gagged from the sensation. Another nurse was also doing the same with a smaller tube and lid.  They kept messing with these tubes for several minutes. The nurses assured me I was doing a great job, and I kept wondering “what am I doing that’s so great other than not throwing up all over them! Are they happy because I didn’t die when I was cut in half?” Eventually they stopped messing with the tubes and I was allowed to go back to sleep.

Hours later, I woke up in a large basket, propped up by all my belongings that my wife and daughter had brought to the hospital during my stay. The basket was just big enough for me to fit into. It was made of wire mesh, a little larger than a shopping cart. Slightly to my left and about 20 feet away I saw a row of windows, and through those windows I could see nurses working at a long table. Occasionally, one of the nurses would glance at me. None of them came to talk to me. It felt like I was in a dark car garage, but I couldn’t look to the right to confirm this as it hurt too much to turn my head. My neck and left shoulder were very sore. I sat in that basket, extremely uncomfortable, for what felt like 12 hours before finally falling back to sleep.

Reality: I had been woken to be extubated and moved to ICU recovery overnight. They had woken me to reduce the chance of me aspirating vomit during the process. My wife and daughter had been called at 5 AM and were on the way to the hospital to see me. I woke up again to my wife and daughter beaming the largest smiles I had ever seen on their faces. It was so beautiful. I could see that my wife had lost weight. I could not talk; I could not hear; I could not turn my head; I could barely even lift my arms. Every attempt to talk came out as a whispered groan. My wife told me I was going to be fine and that I had been in the coma for 11 days. She tried asking me questions, but it was impossible to answer her in my state. I could only hear a little from my right ear.

I couldn’t lift my arms enough to draw words on the whiteboard a nurse provided. I had so many questions and was extremely frustrated that I could not ask them. I quickly became exhausted from the effort to communicate and fell back to sleep.
Night 15: Perception: I was hanging from a sling high off the floor. It was very uncomfortable, almost painful. I saw a hospital bed about 10 feet away. A nurse walked in; I pointed at the bed and grunted, trying to get her to please put me in that bed. She told me she could not; I had been throwing up into my breathing mask, and it was too dangerous to be in bed at this point. I used every sound I could think of to argue with her, as well as some tears, but she still refused. It seemed like I was in the sling the entire night.

Reality: I was moved from one bed to another; I was only in the sling for a short time. The hospital bed was propped up as high as it could go, and this is why I was so uncomfortable.
Day 16: I was more aware after waking this day. I was still mostly deaf. My wife got close to my right ear and began telling me what had happened over the last 11 days. It took until day 9 of intubation for the antifungals to start working. However, the doctors were unaware of this. They were wanting to perform a tracheostomy to make it easier for them to vacuum the mucus buildup out of my lungs every day. For two days she had insisted that they try to wean me off the ventilator to see what would happen instead of performing the tracheostomy. She would constantly harass every doctor that came into the ICU about this. Her fear was that the longer I was on the ventilator, the less chance I had of survival. Also, if I could breathe on my own, the machine was damaging my lungs. She finally convinced one of the doctors to try it. She was right; soon after turning it off, I started breathing well enough on my own to maintain minimum O2 levels. They left me like that for 6 hours before turning the machine back on. They extubated me early the next morning.

Later that day the feeding tube was removed, but this time they made me pull it out myself. The breathing mask was also removed, and I was fitted with a high-flow nasal cannula instead. This thing blew oxygen into my nostrils at hurricane strength 24/7. Then a nurse handed me a weird device that looked like a clear plastic wand with slits in the tip. It was connected to something behind the bed and had a constant vacuum on it. She showed me how to suck the buildup of mucus out of my mouth and throat before it built up enough to choke me. They had been doing this for me ever since I was extubated because I couldn’t swallow at all, and I barely even remembered. It took all the strength I could muster to work it, but I quickly came to rely on this device to save me from choking to death. As I become stronger, my coughs produced copious amounts of vile tasting mucus that I could easily choke on while lying in bed. I later learned the device is called an oropharyngeal suctioning catheter.

Night 16:

Perception: I woke up completely naked, lying on a table in a dark room at the top of a tower. The three walls I could see to my left, front, and right were full of windows that went almost all the way to the floor. Most of the windows were open, and a cold wind was blowing the sheer curtains so much they were brushing against me sometimes. I could see stars, tall trees, and clouds in the moonlight. I was freezing so I started ripping the curtains off to use them as covers. I eventually got most of them on me, but they were so sheer they provided little warmth. I tried getting up off the table, but I was too weak. I was freezing to death - my breathing getting slower and slower. I was certain I was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Reality: I had been spitting up mucus and bile onto my gown and covers, and this was why I was so cold. I had also ripped my nasal cannula out. The night nurse was alerted by my O2 sensor alarm. She angrily berated me for removing the cannula, then changed my gown and covers. I finally got warm again and fell back to sleep.


​Day 17: I was still not allowed to eat or drink. I still could not talk but was strong enough to text my family to communicate. The days are great as I visit with my family. The day nurses are wonderful. I slept most of the day.

Night 17: Perception: I woke up in a very large, darkened room. There are about seven young children in the room with me. A nurse points at a matrix of long wooden drawers that are inserted into the wall. Each drawer is fitted with a large video screen and a toy rifle connected with cables to the screens. She told us to choose a drawer to get into and that there will be dinosaurs to shoot on the monitors. We are competing against each other. I quickly tired of the game because the wood was very cold, and I wanted to be in a warm bed again. I call the nurse and use hand signals and grunts to try to ask to be put back into a regular bed. The nurse was confused and said, “use your words!” because I was clearly frustrated. I’ve never felt so helpless. After hours of shivering, I eventually fell back to sleep.
Reality: I am still in ICU recovery. The drugs that kept me asleep during intubation were still causing hallucinations.

Day 18: Another great day. I was feeling much better, and my hearing was slowly returning. I still could not do much other than slightly turn my head. I had lost so much muscle mass that I can barely even shift my position in bed. My family stays with me as long as the hospital allows every day.

Night 18: Perception: I was in a darkened room with about five other people. We are told we must save some kids who are trapped in a sunken boat. We are fitted with tiny, very futuristic scuba gear. The water was freezing. I could not make it to the boat and returned defeated. I ripped the scuba gear off my face in frustration.
Reality: I have torn off my nasal cannula and set off the O2 alarm again. The night nurse is again very angry with me and puts it back on, telling me I must keep it inserted (I still think it’s scuba gear at this point, but keep it in anyway). I fell back to sleep.
Day 19: I was moved out of ICU recovery to a regular hospital room. I was finally allowed some ice chips to ease my dry mouth (I had been on an IV drip all this time). At least seven doctors have been assigned to my case. Three of them tell me that I have made tremendous progress with my recovery considering all the complications I have had. I was unaware of most of them, of course, but here is a partial list:

• Bilateral lower leg deep vein thrombosis - blood clots in both calves.
• Pulmonary Embolism: one of the blood clots moved into my lungs.
• Urinary tract infection
• Infection in both eyes
• Severe constipation - my digestive tract had completely shut down.
• Near complete hearing loss – the doctors had no explanation for this.
• Acute Kidney Injury - caused by one or more of the antifungals.
• Lactic acidosis - too much acid in my blood.
• Hypercalcemia - blood calcium levels above normal.
• Anaphylactic rash covering my entire trunk - caused by a bad reaction to the first antifungal medicine they tried. They had to quickly switch to a different antifungal drug.
• Liver damage - caused by one or more of the antifungals.
• Severe hypokalemia - low potassium levels.
• Massive pus-filled blisters on my arms - caused by the antifungals.
• Left shoulder injury - caused by pulled ligaments during the twice-a-day bed repositioning while intubated.
• Left forearm nerve damage - no idea how this one happened, but they did have to restrain me while I was intubated.
• Cholecystitis - gallbladder inflammation - caused by rapid weight loss (I lost more than 30 lbs in less than two weeks). My attending doctors never mentioned this. I found this information in my medical history logs months after leaving the hospital.

Days 20–26: Many doctors checked on me every day. I was slowly weaned off the nasal cannula. I was finally allowed a liquid diet. My first taste of fruit juice was almost orgasmic. I received special lung treatments with a mask that creates a medicine-filled fog that I breathe in for a few minutes three times a day. I slowly regained my hearing and ability to talk.
I was told that after I got released, I would have to go to a physical therapy hospital for another week before I could go home. The nights had been extremely difficult because I slept all day and stared at the walls all night - hospitals are super noisy - I hated nights! Physical therapists had to help me learn to eat again. I slowly transitioned from a liquid diet to soft food, then in my last two days to regular food.

When they helped me out of bed for the first time, I saw myself in the bathroom mirror – who the heck is that frail old man with a full gray beard!? The therapists gave me a long list of exercises to do every chance I got. I was determined not to go another week in yet another hospital and started doing exercises in my bed several times a day. By day 22, I could get out of bed on my own and roam the halls unassisted.

On day 25, another physical therapist came to evaluate me. I was able to do everything she asked, even going to another floor and back using the stairs. I was exhausted afterwards, but she said I passed with flying colors and would not have to go to the PT hospital after all.
One of the doctors came and asked me for permission to write and publish a paper about my case. I agreed and was asked to sign a document giving my permission, even though my name will not be in the paper. I also learned that my case was also being added to a study by scientists at UCLA.

I was told by various doctors that my liver and kidney function have finally returned to normal. Hooray! However, I had a major setback during this time as my potassium levels were dangerously low. They could not release me from the hospital until it was under control. They gave me bag after bag of potassium chloride drips over a 2- or 3-day period, as well as potassium pills the size of my thumb - yes, I did choke on them several times.

On top of that, they could not release me because my insurance company denied the antifungal prescription I would need to take for another 3 to 6 months due to the high cost. It took 2 days for the doctors to overcome this so I could finally leave.
I was finally released from the hospital on December 20th. My family was very excited that I would be home for Christmas.

Days 27 - 45: I slept up to 18 hours a day. Valley fever is very hard to fully cure and causes severe fatigue. I still had pneumonia in both lungs. I only coughed occasionally but rarely coughed up mucus anymore. I progressed from walking 20 minutes a day to an hour by day 45. I was still taking blood thinners to prevent more blood clots.

Day 46: January 9th: I went to see my pulmonologist for a follow-up. After seeing my X-rays, he told me I was doing well. I may be able to get off the blood thinners after just 3 months. I asked him to allow me to go back to work on Monday, the 15th. On the way home, I got my first junk food since getting sick - one slice of pepperoni pizza.

Night 46: 9 PM, I got what I thought was a gas pain in my upper abdomen. I’ve had lactose intolerance for years, but normally pizza doesn’t cause issues. I thought nothing of it and tried to sleep. The pain became too much to bear, so I took 2 max strength pain relievers and was finally able to sleep at around 2:30 AM.

Day 47: I felt fine. No pain. I could eat and walk around like a normal day.

Night 47: Repeat of night 46, except the pain moved a little to the right. I still thought it was gas.

Day 48: Another normal pain-free day.

Night 48: Repeat of night 47, except the pain had moved a little more to the right. I still thought it was gas.

Day 49: Another normal day, but now the pain had moved even further to the right of my abdomen. I started to get a little worried that there may be something wrong with me again.

Night 49: Not too bad; after taking painkillers, I was able to sleep.

Day 50: Saturday, January 13th. The pain was now more intense. I had a late breakfast and took my antifungal and blood thinner medications. Over the next 2 or 3 hours, the pain kept increasing. At this point, it’s obvious that I had something that needed medical attention.
My daughter took me to the hospital again. It’s packed - nearly 100 people waiting to be seen. Upon check-in, I told them the pain was at 8. Three hours later, when they finally called my name, it’s 15 out of 10. I should have lied and said 10 during check-in. It felt like I had been shot in the stomach. I could no longer walk because it was too painful. They put me in a wheelchair and took me to get X-rays. I begged everyone in earshot for pain medicine. They told me they will get them to me as soon as possible. They put me back in the waiting room to wait for blood to be drawn for testing. I’m in absolute agony.

Finally, when someone came to get me for an ultrasound, I told her I was supposed to get my blood drawn so they could give me pain medicine.  Thankfully she agreed and took me to another room. The phlebotomist there inserted an IV and drew several vials of blood that was taking forever; all the while I begged her for pain medications. Finally, at near 10 PM, I got a Percocet and something into my IV. Oh, the wonders of opioids - 100% recommend! The ultrasound tech took me straight from there to her equipment room. Within a few minutes, she identified the problem - my gallbladder was massively swollen.

Before I even got back to the waiting room, a doctor stopped me in the hallway to ask a few questions. I told him I just got out of the hospital a few weeks prior and still have pneumonia and Valley Fever. He admitted me to a hospital room immediately for observation and then put me on IV antibiotics. I slept well due to the pain medications.

Day 51: The nurses did a wonderful job keeping me comfortable, asking about my pain every few hours. My pulmonologist came into my room looking very concerned. He had already spoken to my surgeon that I have yet to meet and explained to me that my gallbladder needs to be removed right away, but because I am on blood thinners and a recent pulmonary embolism, we will have to wait up to three days for it to be safe. I told him that the last one I took was on Saturday morning. He was worried that my gall bladder would burst before I had surgery. I was not allowed to eat or drink until after surgery.

The surgeon who would be removing my gallbladder visited and was also very concerned about the fact that I was taking blood thinners. She would have liked to perform the surgery right away but could not. I was getting very hungry and thirsty but was only allowed a few ice chips. The surgery was scheduled for two days later.
At about 2 PM, I had a massive surge of pain that slowly faded over the next 2 hours. I think that this is when my gallbladder burst.

Day 52: Monday the 15th. The surgeon returned and told me that that morning’s blood tests showed now I had a very serious infection. She moved the surgery to that night. My pulmonologist ordered another CT scan and found that my embolism had finally resolved, and I was cleared for surgery as the blood thinners have done the one thing he was most worried about. They came and got me at about 5 PM. It wasn’t long before they put me to sleep in the operating room. They were able to do the entire operation laparoscopically, so that night I went back to my regular hospital room. My wife and daughter were there waiting for me. The doctors said that everything went well, and I should be able to recover quickly.

Days 53-55: The surgeon came to tell me that yes, my gallbladder did burst, and it was gangrenous. She had to spend extra time cleaning the bile and infection out of my abdomen. Due to this, I was put on even more powerful antibiotics and needed to stay in the hospital a few more days. Most people can leave the hospital a few hours after laparoscopic removal. By late afternoon, I had begun physical therapy yet again.

By the next day, I was feeling much better. I walked the long halls three separate times (it is a massive hospital). They finally allowed me soft food again. On Thursday, I was very sore from all the walking and the surgery. I must have overdone it due to the pain medications blocking all pain. They wouldn’t give me opioids anymore, and I was fine with this. A nurse taught me how to empty and care for the surgery drain. I would have to keep the drain in for about 2 weeks total.

By Thursday afternoon, I was released from the hospital a second time.
I spent the next few weeks recovering. The surgery was much harder on me than I thought it would be, but I was determined to get back to work. After 10 weeks total, on January 29th, I returned to work. Luckily, I work from home, sitting at a computer all day.
I took the antifungals and blood thinners for four more months after leaving the hospital. Some people must take the antifungals for a year or more. The antifungals had some terrible side effects, but the two that affected me the most were fatigue and hair loss.

By four months post-op, I was able to hike almost all my favorite mountain trails again. I have permanent lung damage and will never be the same as before. I still cough a few times a day, but I feel mostly normal. The current research says that though I can never be reinfected with Valley Fever because my immune system finally recognizes it and will fight it. However, there are cocci spores permanently trapped in my lungs that are being suppressed by my immune system. If my immune system ever becomes compromised, I could get it again.

Valley Fever is becoming a growing problem in the Southwest US as global warming worsens. The latest research suggests anyone could get this disease at any time while doing outdoor activities. What seems to matter most is how many spores are unknowingly inhaled. Just this month several people attending an outdoor concert contracted Valley Fever, with at least three being hospitalized. People die from this disease due to misdiagnosis nearly every day, especially if they travel to the Southwest US for vacation, contract it, then go back home. Most doctors in other regions of the US have never even heard of this disease.

​The total bill for my Valley Fever care was $1,860,000! My insurance paid them a negotiated rate of around $437,000. The gallbladder surgery was another $250,000 before insurance. Insurance negotiated that down to around $50,000. I am very fortunate that I have good insurance. These amounts are outrageous and show how badly we need medical billing reform in this country. 

Today was President Jimmy Carter's funeral. He died on December 29, 2024 after being in hospice care for 2 years at the age of 100. Although no one is perfect, Jimmy Carter was pretty close. Many talk about the life of Christ, but President Carter took it upon himself to live it. To wage peace wherever he went. President Carter continues to have a deep impact on how I shape my life, and how I want to live it. His departure from the earth plane leaves a large gap. One that I suspect will take many people to fill. Will you be one of them? I will do my best to play my part to live as President Carter has taught us: with grace, compassion, and principled discipline. 

Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn demonstrated what it was to be in a committed and equal partnership at a time when there weren't many public examples on display. No matter how busy he was he always took time out to teach Sunday School because he was dedicated to living his spirituality. ​He cared about the youth of the nation as well. He taught us as children of the 1970's and 1980's to be global citizens. To take good care of the world and to take good care of ourselves and the people we loved. Jimmy Carter, a peanut farmer from the segregated south turned international diplomat and US President winning a Nobel Peace Prize for his work in the Middle East showed us what it was to live as an inclusive world citizen. To wield a soft but strong power of respect and dignity for all.

A true yin-yang type of personality; he utilized both Soft and Hard diplomatic policy. A Nuclear Physicist who strengthened the military while deploying the persuasive powers of a Southern gentleman to never have to use it. These are just a few ways he was a guiding light for many and will continue to be for those who choose to keep his principles at the forefront of their hearts and minds. 

I admire President Carter's inclusivity. Something I fall short of, but aspire to achieve. A measuring stick I pull out to see how I'm doing. Each day I hope to do better. Jimmy Carter the president who placed solar panels on the White House and told us to learn the metric system to be in alignment with the rest of the world. He will always live within me, and I will continue to pass his way of living down to my children the best that I can. He was a real one, living his ideals not just preaching  and pandering. That is what separates him from any other who calls themself a leader. He sacrificed for the greater good. I am not sure people will appreciate enough. But that is what makes you a great leader! That's who I wish to be as well. 

Many are jealous that they will never get the level of love and respect that someone truly living the spiritual path will receive for their lifetime of work. It is something earned, you cannot purchase it, coerce it, demand it. It comes from offering love, relief, and bringing peace. "Installing smiles for miles." is something that came to mind when thinking about what to write today. He built homes through Habitat for Humanity and lived in a modest one himself. 

Thank you President Carter, you will be greatly missed. 

To find out more about President Jimmy Carter you can learn about him through
The Carter Center

We all have options about how to approach life during uncertain heavy dark times.  

Today the topic is the moth and the firefly and what they have to teach us about managing our light during shadow times. 

When the moth is in the dark they look for an external light source for warmth and light.

This external source of their desires often gets them in trouble. It leads them to places that do not serve them and can even lead to their untimely demise. The moths search for external sources of warmth and light that leave them fascinated and dependent on something that can be destructive. There is not freedom in it, no range. 

The firefly on the other hand when facing the shadow has adapted to this condition with bioluminescence. The firefly creates its own light. This allows the firefly to always have light, and to have freedom of range because the fire fly IS light. The light is part of the fire fly. As such there is an autonomy of control that the fire fly has over their experience. When you think about it this is what gives fire flies their magical charm. 

When the world doesn't feel warm or light it is good to take a lesson from the fire fly. Internalize your light, your warmth, your emotional requirements. Because the joy, hope, ecstasy all live within us. We all have our own light. Like any practice we become stronger and more proficient at it when we work at the skill every day. Find reasons to feel joy, belonging, love, and all the preferred things to feel. Over time it becomes easier to be emotionally autonomous. To burn your own Phoenix light in your heart and belly regardless of what is occurring  externally. 

So take a lesson from the moth and the fire fly. Don't look to external sources to "make" you happy or validate your existence, own your bright light and shine on wherever you go!

One of the things that can be greatly underestimated is the length of the process of becoming who you wish to be. And that progress is not a 45 ° angle. It's a wave, a swirl, the trajectory is all over the place. And as an all over the place swirl we won't make progress everyday, and that is ok. Today we will discuss what to do on the no progress days. 

I often say, "you will get a lesson, the preferred result, or the opportunity to become one step closer to the person that is capable of achieving the preferred result." Let's dive deeper into the third option of that sentence. Shall we? 

The lesson will come when something didn't go as planned. We can review it and see if there was anything we could have done differently. Preferred result, we can review and see what we liked about what we did, why it worked and how we can do it again. After playing back what happened and documenting it we can find the gaps between what we would have liked to have happen and what happened. How can we look at the points of friction and replace it with flow state process?

What do you need to become the person who can get the results that you want? 

What does the person who does what you want to do successfully have?

How might the person who is successful at what you want to do behave in this situation?

What might you need to change about yourself to become more like them?  

Some other useful questions you may ask yourself are: 

Do I need to upskill? 

Do I need to look at our timing? 

Do I need to surrender a part of the process to something or someone else, remove the ego from the outcome? 

Do I need to enlist an expert? 

These are just a few of the questions that can be asked. On days when it feels like no progress can be made we can always strengthen these areas so that when the opportunity comes again to attempt our goal we can face it with more of the tools, techniques, and resources needed to do better. Maybe next time we may fail better and have a meaningful lesson, or as we all hope, achieve the preferred result. 

Think of some goals that you are currently working toward. How can you fill the gap between where you are now and what skills, processes, resources or tools you could add to your toolkit to bring you closer to being the person who is able to achieve the preferred results? 

Feel free to share in the comment section your experience with closing the gap to success. 

​

When it comes to finance, politics, and corporate culture conformity is rewarded. There is a homogenous way of thinking almost to the level of military precision. There is a reason for this. It serves a purpose to have everyone moving in the same direction with a swiftness and efficiency that does not leave room for questions and debate in order to take direct action. 

Charismatic leaders and people who have been cultivated in a culture of dogmatic thinking have strong monolithic thought bubbles which they thrive in. Why would they bother to hear from others who don't have what they have? There is a saying that 'if you do what they do, you will get what they have'. So be discerning about which opinions and voices that you let into your mind. Your mind is a temple treat it as such, however, it can also lead to a blind spot and that blind spot can cost you. Sometimes that blind spot can be catastrophic. There is value in asking the question "What am I not seeing?" 

It takes courage to open up and hear what may not be comfortable nor convenient. And it takes a level of bravery in order to take in information from a new point of view. However, as we learn from one another and give value to all voices and perspectives we find out how those lived experiences align with our core values. We may believe that we are living our core values until we choose to take a broadened view to understand the impact our actions have on others and whether or not they have the intended effect on the extended community and the individuals it is comprised of. Are actions actually solving problems? Or are the actions merely cumbersome and performative to feel that we have some sort of control over the inevitable chaos and risk that is inherent in living life in this modern age? 

There will always be risk in life. There will always be elements of chaos and there will always be humans trying to mitigate that risk. We all look at problem-solving in different ways given our life training and lived experiences. We have grown up with discussions of "us" and "them" in one form or fashion. We have learned to devalue certain perspectives given the group that we are a part of. Some of this has to do with survival. Some with priorities and preference. It really doesn't matter how we got there. What matters is what we do with this information. 

It is important to take a step back and look around at the people who are around you. Particularly as a leader. Is it a little too comfortable? Who is your dissenting voice in the crowd and how are they treated? Are they invited and welcomed to the conversation? Is there a sense of emotional safety in order to speak freely? If you have a monolithic and uniform perspective are you exposing yourself by not taking in the full picture? 

When we talk about investing or taking a day trade, we talk about looking at things with multiple timeframe analysis and take in the perspectives of colleagues to make a fully-informed decision. At least with all the best information that we have in the moment. For example, if you take a one-minute trade without taking in overall market sentiment or bias you can find yourself in a very bad place. That is a level of risk that can be seen as reckless or foolish. Yet, so many make decisions based off lack of diverse information. It is one thing to look around a table and see different kinds of faces and that is wonderful! It needs to be taken a step further however, if all of those faces are saying exactly the same thing in exactly the same way then something needs to be looked into further. None of us have had the same experience therefore there should be some different ideas coming to the table. It is in this rich soil of experience that the best decisions are grown.

What are you missing?

What aren't you seeing?

What is another way that we can go about this?

What impact are our actions having on others?

What is the cost of that impact?
​
What is the feeling people leave with after interacting with your brand?

These are just a few of the questions that can be addressed in order to focus on co-creation of a more fulfilling, enriching brand experience. 

A new trader said something that set off all my alert sirens in a recent conversation I had with my trading group. They asked about how to make money on "parabolic trades". After further inquiry it was determined that what they were referring to was actually more of a 'morning pop' type of trade and not a full parabolic move. This concerned me for several reasons. 

1. If you don't know the difference between a parabolic move and a 'morning pop' play, you are not experienced enough to be trading them. 
2. In this case the trader had already lost some money and was trying to make it back quickly so as not to cause relationship problems. Trading with a strong fear of loss is NEVER a good place to start. 
3. If you are going to be in a quick trade like the pops off of the open, it is VITAL that you understand the context you are trading in, in relationship to the market and the overall stock trends.
   
4. You can make your woes much worse trying to copy someone else's trade with no awareness of what the chart is telling you.
   

​Let's unpack that more...

What new traders do not realize at their peril is how many things a successful trader needs to consider in order to execute a successful trade. Far too many for me to go into detail here but just some surface level considerations are:

• Overall market bias and trends
• Overall long term stock trends (monthly, daily, weekly)
• Lower and Higher Time frame trends (60', 15', 5', 3', 1' etc.)
• Volume and Spread considerations

These only scratch the surface of a myriad of considerations.

With this said, even with an awareness of the previously mentioned criteria and much much more, most seasoned traders stay away from aggressive morning pops because they know that the risk is often too high for the reward especially when taking a substantial share size. So if seasoned traders aren't doing it noobs shouldn't be anywhere near these types of plays. 

It is NEVER a good idea to trade with money that you are not willing to lose. First, because no trader has a 100% success rate on all trades there are too many variables to make that possible. Second, if your mindset is in a risk avoidant and panicky state most traders will start to take unreasonable risks and will make mistakes because they are not thinking clearly. This will cost them money, dig the hole deeper, and cause the types of nightmare scenarios that it is a trader's job to avoid. Going in with the wrong mindset is probably one of the worst things any trader can do. 

I have heard of stories in the world of gaming where people have paid over a million dollars for a developed character. One that already has all of the cool gear and XP. Traders seem to think they can do something similar by copying trades they see called on Stocktwits or other such sites. But unless you know what you are doing you cannot get in and out of a trade fast enough and at the same price point. So unless you understand what is happening you will not get the same results. You have to earn experience. You have to be able to take in all the information. For people who drive you know the difference between when you had to think about every part of the driving process. All the things you take for granted now that you speed down the highway eating lunch and answering messages with you Car Play or whatever it is that you're doing. As we get more experience we can take in greater amounts of information with quicker speeds. I am not yet to the level that my mentors are, but I can see more now than I did when I started.

Trust as a newer trader that you are not seeing all that you need to see yet. It is during this time of being new that it is better to look for patterns that already have a history of success. (If you want to learn technical patterns take a course from a reputable company and they can teach you what to look for). 

So, although we all want to get to success as quickly as we can, there are no short cuts. It takes time to learn how to spot good patterns and manage them well. Take the time to learn. Trading is definitely more fun that way! Enjoy the journey!

The Queen of England for the past 70 years died peacefully yesterday in her Scottish Castle at the age of 96 and it didn't have the impact that you might think. It reminded me of when Michael Jackson died. He was an iconic star who died and the world didn't skip a beat not even a synthesized down beat. It got me to thinking about the way to  live life. So many people strive to be important. To wield clout and status, to matter. That places so much of life outside of oneself. Look at these two examples of people who gave their entire lives to people, for the sake of some sort of immortality I suppose. Is the sacrifice worth it? 

The thought that came to me in my meditations today were first noting not feeling anything when the Queen died. The lack of energy shift or emotion was notable. When Princess Diana died there was a deep feeling of loss, there was an energy that moved. I felt it as did millions of others. We viscerally felt it. I had my own harrowing journey that day, which is a story that I will leave for another time. When I stepped off a plane in Long Beach, California and saw the screens, and heard the Princess died, it hurt. Not so much with the other The Queen or MJ. Which makes me wonder why? Why the difference? 

The three main lessons I've learned are these.

First, there are only a few people who are really going to care if you are dead. Those are the people that you should care about in return. Don't sacrifice them for a greater love of the people that isn't truly there. It's vapors. Public attention and affection comes and goes and won't be there for long in the end when 'the next one' shows up. 

Second, if you are going to be great. Be great by lifting others up not by self-serving gain. Diana was missed because she brought out something in all of us that was acceptance and love. It wasn't about her it was about what we as humanity could be. She reflected a utopic way of being to us, and we did our best to make her happy in getting as close as we could to it. That is a noble, beautiful, and lasting way to hold the power of public attention. When the time is spent securing power for power sake, or to indulge every twisted fantasy that comes to mind it's not worth the trouble of fighting to be loved. 

Third, invest in self-validation. Looking to be validated and given sense of duty, purpose, and existence externally requires balance. Where there is value in being a service to your community. To be a creative force rather than a destructive one, is a way to live. It's iffy. It's iffy that you won't be left empty from giving and receiving no satisfaction from it. Not only satisfaction there are many noble souls that die forgotten and destitute being forgotten from all of the people they gave to when things got rough. Public love is fickle! Love for yourself is eternal. Only you are there for you all of the time. That's where focus should be. 

Whether it is Queen Elizabeth II or any other great person of power their stories tend to be complex and complicated. Public opinion varies depending on who you talk to. When creating your own story you are the creator. Allow yourself to write your story doing the most with the environment you find yourself in. Learn to thrive in whatever status you find yourself in. Love your tribe and they will love you back. This is a far more satisfying way of life. 

A big step towards success is developing 'forest thinking'. You've heard of "not seeing the forest for the trees". Meaning someone is so fixated on one tree they don't see what is happening in the forest around them which may be on fire for all they know because they aren't paying attention. 

Anyone who has gone through a losing streak can understand the value of a win. 
Even a small one. Sometimes just being in the green a few pennies is enough to feel a momentum shift like things are finally going in the right direction. 

It's important to celebrate small wins in life. Depending on individual personality, some people may find it easy to celebrate themselves and harsher to see losses in a realistic way. On the other hand, there are people who are quick to criticize themselves for even the smallest of errors and slow to give equitable value and weight in celebration when things go well. Either of these extremes can lead to unsatisfactory outcomes over time. The importance is to tune into accurate reactions in relation to results in order to make the proper adjustments going forward. Wins must be celebrated. We want more of that. Document in a journal or a spreadsheet what worked in that case. Likewise, document what didn't work, and how you would do things differently now that you know what you know from experience. 

It's important to give analysis the proper objectivity and perspective. It is an error to inject too much positivity or negativity in the analysis. It is important that the impact and outcomes can be seen accurately for appropriate follow up action and accountability. 

For those that have difficulty taking the "W" know that this level of energy is important to fully feel and let flow in order to bring more of it to you. Energy attracts energy like it. Especially when working in particularly challenging fields or on challenging projects. The bread crumb trail of smaller wins becomes vital to feed the ambition and motivation to keep the effort going for the greater goals to be attained which may take much longer to accomplish. 

So take time to fully appreciate and document the milestone wins. This will fuel the fire of action and stoke further ambitions to lead to greater success. It is as important as eating, resting, and exercise to keep the effort going. 

There may be times of reevaluating, raising capital, obtaining more resources, networking to obtain more information all for the purpose  to make a new attempt. The key is that everyday something is done to support the ultimate outcome. That is how success is achieved. 

In order to have consistency there must be focus. There is a saying that someone can "have it all". And that is debatable and out of scope for this discussion the point being you can't have it all at the same time. There are parameters of attention and focus and there is a limited capacity for such things. So decisions must be made and they can be tough decisions but they must be made.

Priorities must be made and it should be written in a plan that all the important people in your life understand. Because it is less disappointing to know that you will not show up for every school event when the children know that you are working for a goal that needs your attention right now. Or vice versa, a work colleague will learn not to reach out to you after 5 PM because that is the time you are doing homework with your kids and having a family dinner. Laying out expectations for yourself and others makes for a smoother ride.

The important part is not to multitask. Like the driver who is texting on the road, they think they are doing great and they absolutely are not. Because things take thoughtful attention to do well. To be in the moment managing it as it unfolds, taking in all of the information the environment is giving at the time requires focus in order to manage the situation well. We can't do it all. Pick what you want to focus on and give it all that you've got to give in the moment. 

Slow and steady wins the race is an old lesson. Small consistent wins add up to something meaningful over time. But inconsistency can blow up a big pile of wins in an alarmingly short period of time. 

Show up, do the work, reap the rewards, and call it a day. Get up and do it again tomorrow until the job is done. That is the way to success in any endeavor.  ​

The best thing to do when a plan fails is to recognize it. Fail fast. Fail well. Make adjustments and move on with a newly adapted plan for what the environment is showing you. 

You can't know what you know until you know it. That is the most frustrating part about the success journey. You can't know if something is right for you if you don't know anything about it and never try it. So there is inherent risk in the process. You can put a lot into something and it doesn't pay off. Sometimes it's because the task at hand is not compatible with your personality or previous obligations like being a caregiver to someone at home. Sometimes it's because of market environments that present themselves at the time that are out of your control. And sometimes it is because your lack of information about a project caused you to not fully understand what was needed to complete it. Perhaps it was something that put success in that project out of reach for you. These are all very real things that happen in life while trying to find a path to success. 

Financial disaster can be a hard thing to get up from. It's overwhelming. Everything costs money and not many are in the mood to hear about why you don't have it no matter how noble the cause. It is a tough place to find yourself in. Where to go now? How to trust yourself to be able to do what is necessary? How to mentally not crumble under the pressure? How to not drown in stories to tell yourself about luck and other ways to put the ability to make things better outside of your ability or control? It can be very challenging. Especially in a world where so many are struggling or overwhelmed in their own ways and don't seem to have the capacity to take on someone else's struggle as well. 

The best way to fail is to fail fast. Learn what didn't work and what you became better at during that particular time or project. Find an expert if you can to offer smart, fact and experience based advice. Stay away from those who would enable you too much or punish you too much for the mistake. You don't want someone telling you it's not your fault and that everything is great because that is not true and it will keep you from doing the work that you need to do to correct course and not find yourself in the same situation in the future. On the other hand, you don't need someone making you feel more horrible than you already do with nowhere to place that energy. I got some great wisdom from a member of my investor group, Luke, who said "The market has already punished you, you don't need to punish yourself. Learn the difference between discipline and punishment." Discipline is focusing your behavior in a direction of success. It may mean picking yourself up and rewarding yourself after a mistake to give you the positive outlook and energy to make corrections instead of berating yourself, denying yourself, and weakening yourself further. Find strength, make corrections, find the joy in the moment, and move forward. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help. I think this may be one of the most difficult things. In order to ask for help, you have to admit you have gone as far as you can go by yourself. You have to admit that it did not work out. You have to admit to yourself in that moment that you can't do it, at least not with the current conditions in reality and you have to let others in to see your mess so that you can get help cleaning it up. That can take some courage. Facing fears of rejection and embarrassment that things got this far out of hand. I for one wanted to believe I could force success to happen, I could fix anything with time on my own. But that is not always the case. You need others with more knowledge, experience, and resources than one person has alone. And stepping out to ask for help can be very intimidating. But without further knowledge and resources, a person will be perpetually stuck. It's best to stay stuck for the shortest period of time. To go a new way it's likely help is needed. 

Sure you may need some time to step back heal and recuperate from a long struggle. You may take some time to be gentle and care for yourself to build back up for another go at it. Rest, regroup, but don't stop taking action. You have to continue to go for it, to do something, even if it isn't perfect and even if it leads to a different way of failing. The sooner you move through the process the sooner you get to something that does work for you. It's the only way really. So many times we want to just pick the perfect way to do things the first time and that would be beautiful. But very few get to success that way. It's not important how you get there. Only that you keep trying things and working with focus towards the goal until you do.  

How do you know if you are in the presence of an energy vampire? 
It can be difficult to place at first. A person wakes up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to go. Then they come in contact with a person or a social environment and they feel drained. Completely drained, not just physical fatigue, it feels like more than that. Like their very lifeforce has been drained. They were in the presence of an energy vampire. 

Reflecting today on the struggle of a successful life. This reel popped up as I was scrolling Instagram that captured it so well. It is a point beyond the crossroads. When the decision has been made already, and steps have been taken, progress is made. Friends lost, love lost, life is completely different all of that has happened. It's the moment before stepping into the future. The moment before becoming the reality that all of the work was for. That moment just before, where every nerve screams to return to what is known, to go home to the comfort of familiarity. Regardless of how toxic or dead that reality has become now. It is the most dangerous part of the journey. It is by far the most difficult. 

The only thing to know is to hold fast. Keep working, persevere. The prize is almost within reach and going back won't be satisfying, because face it if it were satisfying why would you have put in this much work to change it? That space belongs to someone else now. The future exists outside of your comfort zone. Deep inside we know this. Our Higher power will not allow us to settle in and go back to sleep for there is an adventure ahead. It's the only way to long term peace of mind and happiness. Stagnation brings misery over time. No matter how much it may be tempting to lie to oneself for the short term capture of the death throws of a previous place and time. It is so tempting but in the end it's an empty win that doesn't last. Because it isn't real. It's a lie and lies never hold together long term. 

So leap! Deeply. Completely. With all of you. Commit to the risk and the reward. Release the fear and allow the hope of gain to fill you and carry you to the summit, to the prize, to the place where your long term happiness and satisfaction resides. What is the choice? You haven't come all this way to only come this far. Keep going! Taste the champagne. Feel the warm rays of success on your path. You've worked for it, sacrificed for it, disciplined yourself. Now celebrate the last leg of of the journey. Let the next volume of your epic tale begin!

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